Day #5 FULL PORTIONS & Mushy Pea Virginity…

Breakfast
Weetabix x 2.

Morning snack
Wholemeal toast x 2, butter.

Lunch
Breaded haddock, mashed potato, mushy peas.
Strawberry sundae.

Tea
Tuna mayo sandwich on wholemeal, 5-bean salad, side salad.
Ice-cream (2 scoops).

Supper
‘Nutri-Grain’ raisin bake bar.

…& the usual pint of milk.

Today I lost my mushy pea virginity… :’)

When I meal-planned the day before with the dietician, I asked if there was anything like cream added to them to make them mushy (I always thought there would be?) but there was a smiley face symbol next to them on the menu, which means the ‘healthier’ option (I’m not saying it’s ideal that I zoned straight in on this option, as I would like for that to matter much less the further the weeks go on) But out of the vegetable options, it was this or sweetcorn. Which irrationally scares me a bit too, even though I love it and I know it’s healthy.

But yeah, I was well impressed with the mushy peas. The only BIG thing bothering me today is the fact the new admission is still struggling with her half-portions, but today I woke up with a positive mind-set towards this, after feeling emotionally explosive/tormented about it yesterday. So, this morning, I went to give her a postcard with a motivational quote on the front, before breakfast along with a bit of a hug and a pep-chat. I thought this might make her feel a bit more determined, and also make the atmosphere lighter in the dining room, but it was still all a repeat episode from yesterday. I tried so hard to focus my attention away from her plate during the day, but it was incredibly difficult NOT to see in the corner of my eye. I felt myself mentally sat on the ‘naughty step’ again during ‘rest’, like Anorexia told me to yesterday.

I’m not going to lie, that positivity from the morning faded through the day. I felt frustrated too that I couldn’t offer her the motivation to complete any of her meals. And it felt a little bit like she was purposely trying to embarrass me by leaving me to eat my full-portion on my own, whilst she sat with almost a full-plate when her time for finishing was declared over. I may as well have been chewing into a microphone. I’m begging to be moved into the ‘Stage 2’ dining area soon so that I don’t constantly feel this triggered, but I know staff might say I need to work on my eating behaviours before then.

If you’re up for a bit more reading, I made a blog-post earlier too, called ‘A Bony Cocoon’…

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