DAY #13 FULL PORTIONS & Troll Talk…

(DAY #26 of total inpatient admission)

Breakfast
Weetabix x 2.

Morning snack
Wholemeal toast x 2, butter.
(…& a cheeky squeeze of marmite on one slice. RECOVERY WIN!)

Lunch
Soya chilli, jacket potato, margarine, side salad.
Ice-cream. (2 scoops)

Tea
Pork in gravy, mashed potato, swede/carrot mash.
Plum crumble and custard.

Supper
Weetabix x 2.

Why is it there’s always one troll waiting to trip you up… ?

And I don’t mean the cute, crinkled-nosed, fluffy neon-haired type from the 60’s.
(I just had to google-check that fact… they were actually invented in 1959 by a Danish fisherman who couldn’t afford a Christmas present for his daughter) It would make my day to see a Troll Doll pop down my street.

I mean the type of person who hunts pleasure in making cold, shallow judgments. Usually people that know completely nothing about you… they only see what’s in front of them through suspicious, thundery spectacles… they see you doing something good, give it a twist in their icy hands and throw it back in your face.

“I can’t change the direction of the wind but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination.”

Over the past few days, I’ve been an extremely lucky girl. Truly honoured and flabbergasted more rightly. So many supportive strangers have (for reasons I’m still yet to get my head around) been interested in my recovery journey from Anorexia. They’ve got in touch or made a connection through social media… either reaching out for support, sharing their own story, giving encouragement …or most amazingly, thanking me for letting them in.

Wow, and thank YOU is all I can say. I started this to help MYSELF, and it’s working. It’s helping me make sense of my head and to heal.

Writing has been my mental lifesaver and is helping me get through every single day, every tear, every kilogram gained, every challenge, every flutter of what recovery feels like, every success and fairy-step forward through inpatient treatment.

I don’t quite know whether it’s been this blog, or my updates on Facebook/Instagram that’s pricked people’s ears up. But just to clear things up for the troll…

…I am NOT proud of my Eating Disorder
and
I certainly don’t ‘flaunt’ Anorexia.

I knew from deciding to go public in the first place, it would not all be positively received to share things so personal. Course I did. But I took the gamble. Already I was making the firm decision for myself that this would be the LAST time I go through recovery… the full way for the first time EVER over the past 8 years – weight, mental effort, acceptance, lifestyle, repairing and re-making relationships, EVERYTHING. To strip out everything Anorexia’s clung onto, pick out the poison it’s left in my mind, re-pay my family for the emotional hell my Eating Disorder’s put them through. To start on a self-discovery adventure so I can finally earn a happy, fulfilling, confident future….

…or what are we here for?

That in itself has been the biggest gamble of my life.
So what else do I have to lose? How more vulnerable could I possibly make myself?

I’ve gained the ability to heal, a tool for my mental toolbox through typing. Sharing my weight-gain progress, my most honest thoughts, opening up my inpatient experience and introducing others to a bizarre and misunderstood mental illness… all of that is helping me to heal. My day-in, day-out distraction is the sound of my fingers waltzing on my laptop keys, facing the green freedom I can see waiting outside my window.

That was the main intention of my blog. Any reader is a bonus… but it’s another level to have lots of strangers get in touch letting me know they’re actually taking something from it too… !

I knew, after the threat of being NG tube-fed and committing to a ‘full portion’ meal-plan that very day (see first blog post), my head/Anorexia would give me absolute grief, would scream at my every mouthful and ounce of recovery progress, trying to claw me back in an instant. I HAD to find a way of coping, of splurging my thoughts. Before the fuse would decide to blow and recovery was out of my grips again. Seemed an impossible different planet somewhere way-off. So that I can reach some understanding in order to change… and if it’s improving my physical AND mental health… it’s something I will continue to do.

So just to correct the particular troll from today:

I am proud to want to be gaining weight
(still terrifying to see those words)

and

I am proud for choosing to properly recover from Anorexia.

I’m tired of saying I’m ‘recovering’, knowing deep down the temptation to relapse is too high.
I’m tired of feeling undeserving to do more than exist.
I’m tired of taking every safe route.
I’m tired of hiding under a rock and not allowing myself to be heard.

If there’s anyone I offend in any way through what I share or write, I genuinely am sorry. But this is me fighting to be true to myself. If it’s working to help me lay my honest emotions, thoughts, photos and experiences on the table… I’m not stopping now.

Thank you again to all the beautiful, motivational people that have supported me so far. I feel in debt to you all…

2 thoughts on “DAY #13 FULL PORTIONS & Troll Talk…

  1. Don’t be sorry, it seems someone is just misunderstood. I think you’re very brave to be so honest online and it’s brilliant seeing all the thought processes that I certainly went through and some of them I didn’t realise until now that they were there.
    I felt tired with the ‘recovery’ as the personality disorder component started to question what were my thoughts vs AN’s thoughts, and I really liked reading your posts so far to see similar things. It’s not often we see that anorexia is ‘allowed’ to be discussed is it.
    Thank you 😊

  2. It is so amazing to hear of your story and see how far you have come. So beyond proud of you and how far youve made it. Keep up the good work, i’ll be rooting for you everyday!

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