(DAY #30 of total inpatient admission)
Weetabix x 2.
Wholemeal toast x 2, butter.
Corned beef and tomato sandwich (wholemeal), 5-bean salad, side salad.
Cherry full-fat yoghurt.
Salmon fishcakes, boiled rice, garden peas.
Blackcurrant frangipane, custard.
Weetabix x 2.
…& the usual pint of milk.
I was used to my sleepy brain coming round to the sight of a crocheting nurse in my doorway. The swipe of a highlighter across a word-search puzzle. Or a rebelliously dozing support worker nodding off, ‘Take a Break’ slipping from their lap…
Okay it wasn’t quite that picturesque every night. Sometimes it was simply someone sat there… and I have no doubt, bored s***less. What two weeks ago felt awkward, threatening (to my waves of compulsive exercise urges) and odd… now felt safe, certain and protective.
Since yesterday, my observation levels have been reduced in the night to checks every 15 minutes until breakfast time. Then continuing eyesight throughout the day, which will be reduced again next week.
I raised in my review meeting on Monday that I was worried I would become ‘reliant’ on somewhere being there… and that when I was back to being on my own it would feel too overwhelming. I remember being left for two minutes in my bedroom after my visitors left the other day. Two bizarre minutes of panic, I feared the urging thoughts creeping back in and poking my brain to react.
Someone being there meant there was no conflict. No arguments with Anorexia about what to do. No opportunity for destructive behaviours.
So last night was the first time in a couple of weeks I’d been left to my own devices until breakfast time. It was lovely – that first lonely wee without being watched. Surprisingly, I had little temptation, as I didn’t tend to struggle in the night anyway, but I was scared about the mornings as I used to religiously carry out my routine in order to feel ‘deserving’ of breakfast. I was grateful being handed back my independence a little at a time, making sure to stay distracted and focused on getting ready for the day.
I’ve also been taken off blood sugar monitoring through the night too, so no longer need to be woken up and prodded in the finger at 2AM and 6AM… all in all, I’m glad to have earned some ‘normal’ nights back! Safe to say my body clock needs to read the memo though.
Sorry this isn’t an incredibly exciting in-depth post today…
It’s been a jam-packed Wednesday of 1:1 session, ‘Thoughts and Feelings’ group and a mind-boggle, mammoth meal-planning session. The dietician gave me 4 days to plan in advance and it felt like I was asked to put a 1000 piece puzzle together.
Head still hugely lingering from yesterday. I feel so frustrated at myself, lost, pathetic, just a s*** person overall at the moment. Weigh-in tomorrow and I can’t say I’m as optimistic as the other day. It feels so much more difficult when I feel like a s*** person in general. It scared me today how much I feel I have to work mentally bloody hard at to move forwards in the long-run, especially if I’m going to learn to accept myself.
BREATHE… this feeling shall pass, this feeling shall pass, this feeling shall pass…