(DAY #34 total inpatient admission)
Weetabix x 2.
Wholemeal toast x 2, butter.
Roast turkey in gravy, mashed potato, brussel sprouts.
Cherry full-fat yoghurt.
Jacket potato, margarine, baked beans, side salad.
Sultanas and raisins.
….& the usual pint of milk.
Today (and yesterday) has been a toughy. Not going to lie. I didn’t bang on in my previous post so much, as I realised I gave the vegetable goulash it’s own novel… !
In terms of challenging my eating behaviours, I guess the progress has been slower than I had expected of myself, and emotions much more intense at meal-times than I had contemplated. It’s fine and dandy putting pen to paper and making a plan, but you forget that emotions are like the weather; they take you by swift surprise…
I WON’T let my high-expectations poo all over my good bits. As I HAVE made progress; I can feel it – because it’s felt extremely uncomfortable. Alien. Just the past 2 days of starting to smash through my brick wall have zapped so much brain energy during those 20 minute meal-times. Doing things by habit doesn’t require many brain cells. And I think that’s why my food order/separating are so difficult to break. Easier to let Anorexia ride the bike. Easy not to think, and to do what you’ve always done.
But if you always do what you’ve always done… you’ll always get what you always got, right… ? And more years of listening to my Eating Disorder? No thanks.
Have to chug on.
I’m starting to find it nearly ‘okay’ (with a lot of curiosity) to mix two foods/textures together. But bits from everywhere on the plate/more than that at the moment seems too loud and chaotic.
But starting to be visually less ‘disordered’ with my eating, the guilt of worrying about affecting/triggering others sat around me is lessening which is making it worth the effort, and the guilt on the other side of the see-saw temporarily INCREASING due to acting AGAINST my familiar/safe eating disorder behaviours (which is only caused by Anorexia). And who do I care more for? The people around me or Anorexia?
Triggering is something I will explore in another post soon. As this is starting to feel like a big theme at the moment.