Bran flakes. (half a bowl… NO WEETABIX DILEMMA!)
Wholemeal toast x 2, margarine. (NO BUTTER DILEMMA!)
Sweet and sour chicken, boiled rice, mashed carrot and swede.
Winterberry cheesecake and cream.
Egg mayo sandwiches (wholemeal), 5-bean salad, side salad.
Cherry full-fat yoghurt.
….& the usual pint of milk.
There’s one way to be thrown in. Have the choice taken away… JUST DO IT.
Weetabix are my morning safe-hug. My sailing boat on a calm tide… that’s why I tend to finish most evenings with that feeling too. That same supper choice… whilst most main meals, and the menu-planning around it, feel like they send my head on a wonky raft-ride exploring a choppy sea. Day-in, day out.
So many thoughts playing tug-of-war – how to eat it, if I can do it, did I make the right choice, the guilt, the social pressures, whether it was the right menu choice, whether I deserve it today, been productive enough, how will I cope afterwards… how do I clean up the messy chaos on my plate, in my bowl, must keep my environment tidy, and so-on and so-on…
Weetabix are the ear-plugs. A simple hop-scotch in comparison.
That familiar one texture. No crossword puzzle of where to start, how to eat it, or anxiety about mixing foods.
So when the nurse knocked on my door this morning, to announce we’re out of the trusty wheaty duo, my Eating Disorder felt like it’d reached a dead end on it’s mini tricycle. I rely on that morning bowl of peace… but the real me saw this as a good opportunity.
With my previous obsession/reliance on weighing foods, the thought of unknown cereal terrifies me. As much as I enjoy the taste of them, and I’ve been craving a breakfast variety for a few weeks now. But at the moment, with menu-planning, I’ve chosen to focus on the main meal choices and changing them up a bit. As well as working hard on behaviours in the dining room so I can normalise things as soon as possible. And I’m getting there; I worked with my dietician today who has helped me set broken down goals to tick-off everyday, so I can stay in touch with how I’m moving forward.
After two and a half hours planning this week’s meals, trying to make the ‘right’ choices, putting in a reasonable amount of challenges without pushing Anorexia over the edge, I decided what to conquer. The change feels exciting – it’s enough to rock the boat but not make me sea-sick… !
Cheese sandwiches is something that’s taken my fancy, but recognised I’ve been automatically avoiding. Writing off. Wasn’t an option. So I made sure to plan them in TWICE this week. Tomorrow being the first… brick wall being chipped away.
I’m also trying two new hot meals, one new dessert, and alternating my suppers between two choices. Weetabix may feel like my calm, but for as long as I believe it, relying on it every night, I’m living caged in my Eating Disorder. And I’d like to eventually feel like I can pick chocolate/a brownie/cookie/flapjack/biscuits… unweighed cereal…
I need to recognise what’s making ‘me’ calm or keeping my irrational mind quiet.
Anyway, back to this morning.
I knew I’d struggle facing the unknown portion of cereals, but I selected my second auto-pilot choice – bran flakes.
The portion sizes here are very substantial. Much more than the cereal box recommended ’30g’, but as our dietician explained… it is a normal portion. Enough to satisfy hunger and keep someone getting through the morning.
The measurement on packaging is too restrictive and purely for advertising purposes. The manufacturers have to take into account the majority of the population’s needs, and therefore the cereal guidelines are targeted at a diet for OVERWEIGHT people. That way, they have their backs covered for the whole promoting health malarkey.
We did a practical group this morning about cereal portioning. Which was amazingly useful, but goes to show how so many of us are brainwashed into seeing an undersized portion as normal. Anything bigger than that, you feel as though you’re overeating… particularly if you have an Eating Disorder.And that’s what I am struggling at the moment to get my head around. It’s perfectly normal and great that others have enough trust and insight with this. But I am still yet to complete a full bowl of in-weighed cereal as it feels like I reach a metal barrier mid-way through and come to a stand-still.
This is a challenge I will return to in a week or two, and I have to remind myself although I never feel like I’m making enough progress quick enough… there is still plenty of time.
Nutri-Grain bar (Weetabix replacement) for supper was very manageable and something I used to really enjoy… it’s the one that has a cinnamon-y taste, with raisins and oats. I’m not keen on those soft, fruity-middle ones… ! So I’m feeling confident about including this through Supper options this week.
On a related note, yes we were also out of butter too today… ! Never thought I’d say this but I missed the stuff. Margarine tastes shockingly of nothing… ? I’m still in shock at my very own thoughts. But I think that solidifies my choice never to look back at Mr Marge on my toast again. I aim to allow myself butter on jacket potato very soon too, and rid of this stupid rule that I can’t if I’ve had it on my toast.
Anorexia, you boring little s**t.