DAY #24 FULL PORTIONS; Wifi Winge…

Weetabix x 2.

Morning snack
Wholemeal toast x 2, butter.

Stewed steak, herb dumpling, green beans, boiled potatoes.                                              Chocolate mousse.

Jacket potato, baked beans, butter, side salad.
Ice-cream (2 scoops).

‘Nutri-Grain’ raisin bake bar.

…& the usual pint of milk.

Well, for the first time I’m having to use my wee phone to post due to…………. no Wifi! This is a travesty to myself and the other mourning patients. Just give me a candle for company.

And no plans in the near future for the Unit to get it back either. We’ve had on and off problems with the network which we’ve all dealt with quite proactively and bought extra data on our phones (I bought a dongle for my laptop which has now ran out) …but now they’ve officially cut it off until a plan can be put into place. Heard on the grape-vine it’s something to do with the ward downstairs, some patients trying to access naughty things online.

I hope to find a solution to this soon, as it’s much easier for me to tap away on my laptop than using a touchscreen phone. So until then my posts may be pretty short which I’m gutted about and will be missing my therapy. But any important topics/thoughts will type up on a ‘Word’ document and will save to post when (if) it’s all up and running again or I find another way.

Anyway the main win for today: having butter on my jacket potato for the first time here, since feeling I couldn’t if I have it on toast in the morning. (that felt indulgent enough. But I’m tired of my Eating Disorder looking for any crack it can fidget into. Well that’s now one less… Mrs Marge is a tasteless, distant memory… )

Also, we have a new admission. Which for the first time I don’t feel triggered by… because my head is focused and in a much stronger place. The only thing that really bothers me is that reminder of that lonely, miserable, exhausting place the Eating Disorder takes you to. If anything, it makes me want to help her rather than let my Eating Disorder feel threatened by hers. It’s just so bloody sad seeing someone in such a lost place, and have been mentally seduced to punishing themselves… which triggers me to think how much I musn’t deserve a full recovery if they don’t feel deserving. Why am I anymore deserving than them? It makes me feel so wrong and greedy and selfish. I should be the one still punishing myself.

It’s sad to see other people in their lost Anorexic shell, but it doesn’t mean I have to react from past triggers and anxieties. Being present in the moment and trusting where my head is at NOW is making it all much more calming and easier to accept.

I feel so angry that so many people have to live through the shitty Eating Disorder lies. Seeing so many beautiful people let their mind’s torture them.

All I can really do is protest using my own efforts and to try my absolute best at being the change I wish to see in the world. Unfortunately we can’t change the actions of others but we can be the best versions of ourselves. And that means being happy and healthy.

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