Weetabix x 2.
Wholemeal toast x 2, butter.
Cheese and tomato roll (wholemeal), 5-bean salad, side salad.
Rhubarb crumble and custard.
Braised sausages with onions, mashed potato, mashed swede.
Ice-cream (2 scoops).
…& the usual PINT of milk.
Confusingly beautiful people in a confusingly beautiful world.
…as for today, some very confusing emotions going on in this mysterious walnut of a brain… the frustration of HOW do we let certain people in our lives hold so much power over us… ? Just simply by being in the same room? By people that actually are of little value to our life? Feeling belittled by someone’s lack of manners towards you, it’s easy to suddenly be made to feel ‘weaker’, a human of less value.
I haven’t experienced this feeling as much since I was back at school. That’s something I always struggled with; huge anxiety about being the ‘quiet’ one and being brushed under a carpet for people to walk all over. Now I’m starting to work things out in my brain in order to cope better in the future, without directing my negative thoughts straight towards my body and the tastes in my mouth, part of me think this social/super-consciousness of what people think of me, had a part to play with my Eating Disorder.
The days of puberty are challenging for any teenager. We become much more highly tuned-in to our surroundings and interactions with people as we begin to suss out our identity. I always, ALWAYS, through my school days valued myself as ‘less’ than others. People that were ‘outspoken’, those who had more friends because they had more to say…
…I felt like outspoken, confident people lived on another planet with a special ‘how-to-be-a-better-person’ bible for a guidebook. I felt like there was something wrong with me. Is it possible to be classed as ‘disabled’ in the realms of outspoken-ness?
I used to sit, easily pleased by new stationary, and a list of questions to work through independently so I didn’t have to face the fear of clamming up when being asked to work with a partner or as part of a group. I’d always wished for Harry Potter’s magical invisibility cloak so I didn’t have to be seen. Most people at that age had the craving to express themselves, whereas I didn’t feel like I had anything to express. Everything suppressed. Who was I?
I guess that’s why I was always very focused and guided by art. Referred to by my teachers as ‘gifted and talented’ in this area – I should have felt proud of the one thing people did value me for and I was good at. For having something to offer. Yet, I was completely ashamed. That’s not what the outspoken people wanted? After all, being a talkative person earnt you a better quality of life, right?
Back in year 5, I remember going through a phase when my mouth felt so tight, I couldn’t bring myself to say the words “yes, Miss” to the register. I felt like the rudest little girl in the world, which made me inflict even more guilt onto myself. Plus it was my favourite teacher.
I felt embarrassed for my friends having to be friends with me. After all, if they liked me, it must be because they like EVERYONE, right… ? Or that they’re generally just extremely nice, kind people.
Going back to how I feel periodically at the moment, I worry quite excessively of what people think of me – have done since my admission. Especially when I am supposed to be learning to like and accept myself, in the process of eating so many different foods that conjure up a range of flavour and emotions, and in the hope of ‘rebuilding’ myself as a mentally stronger person. When people don’t treat you with respect, it’s so easy to internalise that energy.
This isn’t a consistent feeling and actually, I have had some pretty confident/positive starts to the day, when I’ve felt quite invigorated by the idea of recovery and a different but hard-to-imagine life. Only to feel guilt smack me in the face not long after for feeling this way.
But I feel this invisible power over me when in the same room as a particular patient. It’s intimidating and invisible. This is MY issue I need to suss out for myself, so I actually don’t blame this person… at the end of the day, we create our own reality. The way we think dictates our world. So why do I feel so emotionally charged and inferior? Why do I feel paralysed by anxiety and worthlessness? Why are they not using basic manners towards me?
So far I’m learning there is a positive lesson to take from any situation. And as I’m constantly working on self-development and have wrote a list of things of issues to address in order to successfully conquer my Eating Disorder… I now put ‘assertiveness’ on there. And how to lose being a ‘people-pleaser’.
Probably two weak spots for my Anorexia.