DAY #35 FULL PORTIONS; A Toast to the Roasties…

Weetabix x 2.

Morning snack
Wholemeal toast x 2, butter.

Roast beef, Yorkshire pudding, roast potatoes, baby carrots.
Ice-cream (2 scoops).

BUFFET – one egg mayo triangle sandwich (wholemeal), one tuna mayo triangle sandwich (wholemeal), coleslaw, vegetable spring roll, chicken leg, side salad.
Winterberry cheesecake and cream.

Sultanas and raisins.

…& the usual PINT of semi-skimmed milk.

Why does my Eating Disorder make me feel so ashamed to see the description of tea written out like that… ? Maybe because there’s so many small components going on to make it up to a ‘normal’ size meal, it feels very busy and chaotic… which if you let negative thoughts latch on – ‘indulgent’. Makes you feel like you’re eating MORE even though you’re not.

But the positive is I feel strong enough now to put those thoughts in a little wooden box, seal it up and send it on it’s jolly hols. Because I DIDN’T over-eat. The sight of a chicken-leg on my plate made me feel like a greedy dog (that’s the downside to having a creative brain – it creates unhelpful images!) but I haven’t grown a tail or a wet nose just yet so I think we’re all good. It’s just a thought and I am NOT my thoughts…

The buffet every third Sunday on the Unit, makes most people a bit more anxious than usual anyway. I think that’s to do with a few things – the fact we’re not completely certain what to expect, what our plate will look like – so can’t mentally prepare as well as we can the rest of the week, but also the ‘party’/novelty aspect and having to make choices on the spot. The reminder of that fear from past experiences maybe, of having this free-reign over a big spread of food at a party, and feeling ‘mistrusting’ of yourself

about over-eating. I know that’s been a thing for me anyway. But at least here we have a guide about what exactly to choose from and how much.

I do think it’s such a positive idea to promote on an Eating Disorder Unit. It’s much better experiencing that anxiety in a controlled environment, than being launched straight into the real world and crumbling about what to do at a social invite where there’s a buffet. Because most inpatient Unit’s don’t offer this kind of practice. So I take my hat off to them!

In further potato news, at lunch I confronted ROASTIES for the first time on the Unit. And in general, the first time in a long time. This was one of my pre-planned challenges when meal-planning last week. And although it felt an overwhelming meal to get through (as the Yorkshire pudding always feels like extra – even though it’s NOT, it’s a completely appropriate and TASTY element to a traditional English meal!!!) as usual now I’m starting to conquer new things, it was a RELIEF to discover they weren’t as bad as my head set them up to be.

What I discovered yesterday after a tricky day on Friday, was that by choosing to stay isolated from everyone because of my heavy rainfalls of ‘shame’ this trickled into my Eating Disorder. By staying even more disconnected (thinking I was protecting everyone else by them not having to experience me), this actually fuelled my ‘shame’ and made me feel more depressed to be honest. But when you get to the point you feel so stubborn and have dug yourself a negative hole it can be difficult to get a leg out. So during breakfast/snack/lunch my mental energy had been zapped by my own grey weather, affecting my pace and therefore not being able to fully complete. I felt like I was in the ring but not throwing any punches. But did it make me feel any better? No. I feel better when I’m fighting, when I’m alert and when I feel strong… so since tea yesterday I’ve picked myself back up and we’re well on our way.

Usual bizarre feeling regarding weigh-in tomorrow. I’m trying to ‘fake it before I make it’ about being EXCITED to see that number go UP. Enough to be granted some leave! It will have been 7 weeks of not getting out, so (after I’ve got my Google Maps up to figure where the heckers in Leeds I am) I’m sure getting out for an hour will feel like a smashing mini Monday adventure.

So – take note Yasmin Salt. Weight-gain is to be EXCITED about. If you must, read this back in the morning!!!!!

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