Weetabix x 2.
White toast x 2, butter.
Corned beef and tomato sandwich (wholemeal), 5-bean salad, side salad.
Chocolate sponge and chocolate sauce.
Salmon fishcakes, boiled potatoes, garden peas.
Ice cream (2 scoops).
Supper is as yet unknown, because like the other day… we’re out of Nutri-Grain bars (which was the original plan!) So I’m still undecided… and it means facing a spontaneous decision tonight – which is GREAT exercise for learning to OWN YOUR OWN BRAIN again over an Eating Disorder.
Keeping this quite short – to be honest I’m feeling very disconnected today… reading into ‘shame’ as I’m doing at the moment, one of the things us humans crave most is connection and love for our sense of worthiness. Not having those pays a huge contribution to shame and our lack of fulfilment. Which then puts us at risk of addictions or unhelpful coping strategies if we’re not careful.
And something I’m really struggling with is making meaningful, regular connections. And I don’t just mean through social media – I feel very lucky in that respect. When it comes down to the nitty-gritty knowing how and when to go about it in real life, it’s something I’m finding REALLY hard and conflicts also with my mental ‘need’ to feel ‘productive’. Which to be honest isn’t making me very happy as I still feel very lost. And I’m finding it difficult to switch off, so end up procrastinating in the middle of the night when I wake up which has lead to this habitual ‘fear’ about trying to go to sleep.
So I’ve not been getting a very good kip for a bit. And I advocate a solid night’s sleep to give the brain the best boost you physically can. Set yourself up for the day with rested and revived brain cells… ! If you’re looking to improve your mental health/overall quality of life please, please make it your priority to develop a healthy sleeping pattern.
Your brain will sing you golden silent praises… ! As well as giving you the umph to make better decisions throughout your day…
Physically I’m getting on with what I need to do. And for now that’s the most important thing. I keep trying to reassure myself that I’ve not started the psychological work with my team yet – so that doesn’t help, which is why weight gain tomorrow to get to that first target BMI will be EVEN MORE positive in many ways. More than the fact I will also be granted some leave!
(…which in thought, probably isn’t helping my mood either. 7 weeks and 2 days inside! But I’m not feeling sorry for myself, I’ve almost forgotten what it’s like to get out and about, I’ve almost adapted to feeling like my life is here. I guess that’s why it’s so easy to feel your world shrinking when you don’t expose yourself to other things/experiences.)
I suppose now I’m not trying to numb my emotions with my food choices and am now embracing a whole array of ‘once-off-the-cards’ foods, the mental stuff feels more tricky and sticky inside. Knowing full-well I was still feeling shit this morning, I still committed to varying things up… I asked again just before snack if I could have white toast instead of my besotted wholemeal. (almost as a pinky promise to myself that despite how emotionally messy things feel, I will still hunt down opportunities to chip away at Anorexia)
It helped to justify to myself that my sandwich for lunch was going to be wholemeal, and today was my ‘safe’ breakfast… so it felt like a doable time to challenge.
My very good friend text me yesterday picking up on the fact how I’m acknowledging those long-avoided/Anorexia’s perceived indulgent foods as ‘challenges’ which might not be helpful… I couldn’t help but come round to the truth in that labelling a chocolate bar, a piece of cake, certain types of potato, white bread etc. (all things tasty basically…!) with this word sensationalises them. Puts them on a pedestal I guess. Anorexia put’s ITSELF on a pedestal, so perhaps putting them both together isn’t healthy. Something simple like describing the foods that I’m starting to eat again as a ‘challenge’ really is more destructive than I realise.
Although I am now genuinely determined to want to include them in my regular diet and not see them as a special occasion, my friend woke me up with this reminder. It’s so true. I’m going to have a good ponder about how I would prefer to refer to these once-banished/avoided foods (any ideas, let me know!) that I now mentally and physically want to EMBRACE with BOTH arms not just for now, but for the rest of my life…
…just like I hope YOU do too.