Weetabix x 2.
White toast x2, butter.
Sweet and sour chicken, boiled rice, sweetcorn.
Winterberry cheesecake and cream.
Egg mayo sandwich (wholemeal), crisps, side salad.
Ice-cream (2 scoops).
…& the usual PINT of semi-skimmed milk.
Yummy ‘Vanilla Chai Latte’… THANK YOU recovery AGAIN for welcoming milk back into my life. I am still well and truly appreciating you. And I swear I will never, ever forget you!
I won’t keep you long today, because it’s tea-time soon, and as the meal plans for next week are out, I’ve been quite consumed in that. Decisions around WHAT to pick have become even HARDER now that all these OPPORTUNITIES are now open to me… ! It’s exciting yet terrifying and weird all at once. I keep thinking I must have reached my limit with confidence in testing things, that I must have broken all the rules, but as new little things emerge, it’s important to keep pushing on. There’s still LOTS to work on. But “Rome wasn’t built in a day” as my Great Auntie keeps saying.
Meal-planning used to feel much quicker because the majority of the choices available I just ‘assumed’ I wasn’t allowed. I was still very much pressing down Anorexia’s plaster. Scared and wary of peeling it away.
In news of the bath last night, it took me back to feeling like a small child again… even the sound of the gushing tap and rolling up my sleeve to swish the shower gel about (okay I’m not quite a bath product connoisseur just yet – still a newbie to this pamper malarkey) reminded me of the exciting concept of making a ‘bubble beard’ if the water was frothy enough. A time when how ‘heavy’ your body felt was not a ‘whisker’ of a thought. You were more bothered about your wrinkly prune-like fingers making you age quicker than what a seven-year-old should be doing…
…the mini pool of warmth was actually lovely. I felt a bit awkward, not really knowing what to do with myself, but I whacked a bit of ‘bath music’ (yes it turns out there’s such a thing) on YouTube. I didn’t quite last the 30 minutes I had planned (I think it was a bit on the ambitious side)… but I felt, I THINK, an element of relaxation.
It was bizarre though with my body. I expected to feel how I did when I used to have baths as a teenager. The inadequacy, cringe-like sensation of seeing my ‘so-called’ fat squash and spread, the rolls on my belly… but what I found felt very different. Which surprised me.
I was suddenly aware of my bony bum. It’s weird to feel the impact of that but STILL not feel ‘underweight’. But THAT made me see yet another perk of gaining weight. To have a comfy bum in the bath!! All in all, I’d like to keep sticking to one bath a week and start experimenting with fancy bath bits to make it feel more of a novelty and to get stuck into this self-care business.
It will be the first time of choosing crisps with my sandwich tonight, instead of my safe ‘5-bean salad’. But one of the dieticians did a fantastic group today about carbohydrates. For some reason, I fear having ‘too many’ carbohydrate products, especially two in the same meal… there’s so many myths about diets and food choices, it is UNREAL. Why do carbohydrates get such a bad press???? Crisps or beans, my body doesn’t know the difference. It’s the same energy requirements. Your brain and body appreciate a VARIETY of foods. For some reason it just FEELS over-indulgent. But that’s exactly why I’m testing out Anorexia’s silly belief tonight.
Let’s get cracking… (crispin’).