Wholemeal toast x 2, butter.
Chickpea and spinach curry, boiled rice, naan bread, side salad.
Ice-cream (2 scoops).
Chicken mayo sandwich (wholemeal), 5-bean salad, side salad.
Pineapple sponge and custard.
Weetabix x 2.
…& the usual PINT of semi-skimmed milk.
Running through a scary, black forest full of wolves blindfolded… it feels a bit like how I seemed to have approached today! But as long as I keep running, I don’t need to take it off yet right?
Looking above at my meal-plan, I know I shoved so many ‘red-card’ (through Anorexia’s eyes) choices in for today. First time trying muesli here… then the curry was the BIGGEST challenge meal-wise so far with the what-seems-like-extra-and-unneeded naan bread… then the unexpected ADDED snack this afternoon after weigh-in… and the chicken mayo sandwich, which until this point has been a ‘red-card’ option.
I KNOW why I’ve picked them and I didn’t spend hours last week putting this plan together for nothing. I chose them in my best interests. Because I’m not opting to stay wrapped in cotton wool by Anorexia’s bland but comforting choices. I had planned it all at a time when I could think more longer-term, putting a magnifying glass to the future, not allowing time to over-consider how it would feel actually DOING it.
So when actually DOING it, it feels hard. But today I haven’t really let myself ‘feel’ it. Or maybe I have, but I haven’t dwelled on it? It’s hard to tell, and it’s been one of those confusing days where you can’t quite work out how you feel…
Well I’ve run past all the howling wolves for the day… and it feels nice to finish with Weetabix, who is like an old and reliable friend. A smiling, waving neighbour from across the street!
I psyched myself up today to stay strong and focused… but at the back of my mind I feel like I have pushed myself a little over the edge, especially when reminding myself about that added snack. But then I also can’t decide if that’s Anorexia just prodding my brain cells and telling me to feel disgusted at myself. For throwing so many ‘fears’ into one day. No more Halloween parties today, thank you.
There’s a HELL of a lot of negative thoughts I could hook out of the water right now… but they aren’t worth taking up any typed characters on my screen. Or yours for that matter.
Sometimes maybe it actually does more harm than good by being so descriptive about negative thoughts. Making you brood, instead of accepting for a brief moment and letting go.
I think I know that after today if I over-analyse I will go to bed hating myself.
So here’s some COMPLIMENTS I am consciously going to choose to pay towards the ‘fear’ foods I’ve eaten today…
Dear Mr Muesli… thank you for having multiple textures. It makes you stand out from the other cereal options. I enjoyed the soft tang of your raisins alongside your nutty, creamy oats.
(I also enjoyed the conversation around the table – particularly about strawberry-picking… so you not only tasted nice but gave me nice memories too)
Dear Colonel Curry… you were a reminder of what comfort-food tastes like. And there’s nothing wrong with that. Yes it’s a bit of a scary feeling for Anorexia… but I am in control and it doesn’t make me fat or greedy; it just means you triggered nice (but very uncomfortable for Anorexia) feelings in me. Thank you for giving my taste-buds a surprise coconut twang… I wasn’t expecting that and I know from the past how tasty coconut makes curries taste. But if Anorexia were to watch anyone make a curry before I ate it, there would be no chance. So thank you for giving me this opportunity to try you again. And I did enjoy your sidekick of a naan bread – it made me feel more full than other meals, but that’s also okay.
Dear EXTRA SNACK… thank you for helping me along to achieve my leave. You may be the assistant that my body needs for a while until I can achieve things through my treatment. I’m sorry I couldn’t bring myself to enjoy you today. I’m staying open-minded and I’m hoping we can become better friends soon.
Dear chicken mayo sarnie… you were a lovely change to my old mate, egg mayo. You were very nicely seasoned with pepper (but it’s just a shame I didn’t realise until AFTER I had added a sachet of pepper myself) I enjoyed your company and you were kinder to my head then I thought. I look forward to meeting you again in the future.
This now makes me appear slightly cuckoo writing in that way! But WEIRDLY… it’s actually making me feel more sane!!! It’s bizarre how a bit of gratitude can make you find peace with a situation. I’m not kidding or exaggerating when I say, even within those few moments of dwelling over the sh*t to rummaging for the positives and tip-tapping them out on here… I feel like a grey brain-fog has lifted.
I think it’s safe to take off my blindfold now.