White toast x 2, butter.
Vegetable goulash, herb dumpling, boiled rice, cauliflower.
Peach full-fat yoghurt.
Ham sandwich (wholemeal), 5-bean salad, side salad.
Lemon sponge and custard.
Weetabix x 2.
…& the usual PINT of semi-skimmed milk.
So this post was going to be dedicated to positivity around the spontaneous ‘extra’ pear today… but I felt my mood come crashing down by tea-time, and thoughts of feeling like a horrible, hateful and awkward person hailing on my brain.
Why did part of me know this was coming? It seems to appear predictably like a dance sequence, following bursts of inspiration/motivated energy… I woke up at 4am this morning and sat up in bed researching into a couple of ideas I had, which were keeping the whole idea of ‘still being alive’ and no longer ‘clinging to my Eating Disorder’ do-able. Positive. By just before breakfast I was in the lounge dosed up with a few hot bevvies, brainstorming as a way of eagerly ‘saving’ my ideas onto paper in case they left me.
And right now I feel like laughing at myself for feeling so positive. Really?? An awkward waste-of-space like me actually having hope in these things? Maybe it was the guilt kicking in through the day after feeling that morning motivation… but it’s being around people and the constant worry of whether I’m a selfish/horrible/unlikeable/awkward person that starts really, really chipping away any confidence.
This is the hard thing about being in an inpatient Unit. Living with a lot of other patients 24/7… the Eating Disorder thing I’m trying my hardest at, but then when you already feel like an insecure person and worrying about how you come across to other people, this is one big massive extra pressure. Even coming down to dreading meal-times in case you can tell if other people don’t want to sit with you. And despite having tried pushing myself in that area, I feel like throwing the towel in. The eating stuff is ENOUGH and I’m sick of feeling the added anxiety around that as well.
But I guess that’s where I’m now starting to doubt myself – maybe I SHOULD be able to get along with people more naturally. At my age surely. I SHOULD be less selfish and dedicate more energy to that. So now I’m actually doubting if I’m even a decent person. I feel this huge need to protect myself and it’s like my brain has now selected the only button of ‘stay alone’. I obviously want to socialise with people, but I guess I never expected to feel this bad about not being able to do it in ‘this’ situation.
The ‘pear’ thing was something I chatted about with the dietician the other day. I’d mentioned that it would be nice to eventually ‘challenge’ having a spontaneous piece of fruit (I miss the stuff) which we are allowed to help ourselves to anyway. But a few weeks ago I was ‘adamant’ that this would never be possible/permitted since we are already ‘prescribed’ such a full-on meal-plan anyway. But it only seemed ‘full-on’ because it was Anorexia feeling intimidated, and it was bizarre adjusting to so much yet a ‘normal’ amount of food again.
After my slow weight increase anyway, the dietician suggested I tried it this week. So I said I was willing to do that if I ‘planned’ it in one day at first – that day being today. So I excitedly purchased a pear (of which I missed – I used to be obsessed) from the fruit & veg shop when on my hour’s leave a couple of days ago…
…I felt ‘rebellious’ but so empowered to be listening to my OWN cravings, and I feel like it’s putting in practice for eventually being able to listen to my own body’s hunger cues. A few weeks ago my mind would be grabbing onto the ‘extra calories’ fact for dear life, torturing my brain-cells – whereas now I’m trying to trust my body, REGARDLESS of shitty OR happy feelings going on. I keep reminding myself of the quote I posted on Instagram yesterday – “the way you feel is not linked to the shape of your body”… if you take care of your body there’s much more of a chance it will take care or YOU.
At this stage I think it would be impossible to eat ‘as and when’ which is quite a scary concept, due to being so used to eat at such rigid times every single day on the Unit.
Looking to the future, it will be like riding a magic carpet to be able to eat ‘as and when’ without relying on where the hands are on the clock. To feel like spontaneous munching and grabbing what you fancy is acceptable… I’m speaking as though it won’t happen to me – I strongly feel it will because I’m going to keep striving for that and not turn back to my Eating Disorder’s little cage of ‘rules’ no matter how lonely/lost/selfish I feel like right now. Right now it makes me question what I’m even capable of, back to the boring thoughts of who was I to ever feel like I deserved to give recovery a proper try this time? Boring, same old thoughts I will hear but not give in to.
Sorry for the moan guys. It was very much needed, so I appreciate if you’ve made it this far down the page! Thank you for sticking with me. For the record, I enjoyed the pear and bought myself another for a couple of days time…
Game is still well and truly on.