Wholemeal toast x 2, butter. (…and Marmite on one slice)
Sweet and sour chicken, boiled rice, sweetcorn.
Winterberry cheesecake and cream.
Egg mayo sandwich (wholemeal), 5-bean salad, side salad.
Ice-cream (2 scoops).
…& the usual PINT of semi-skimmed milk.
So since I’ve been cracking on with treatment, with no flicker of a ‘calorie’ radar, which previously controlled my whole day… as I’ve touched upon in other posts, it can feel like a plaster has well and truly been torn off a sore wound.
It feels like when my brain picks up on a threat about an uncomfortable feeling/situation, in the past it would have seen the tall wooden signpost in my mind, directing it straight to ‘food’ as a form of emotional control. My Eating Disorder as it’s chaperone. Now that wooden sign has been covered in spray-cans of positive graffiti, by my attitude to recovery, when that emotional threat gets received by my brain, it’s like it panics about not knowing where to send it. How to cope/react.
You’ve probably heard about how we ‘talk’ to ourselves throughout the day, has a huge impact on the quality of our day/our outlook… our interactions with other people… our confidence/self-esteem… our reactions to everything going on. Basically if we settle for the familiar negative thoughts about ourselves, that’s likely to shine out of our behaviour and feed in to feeling even more negative about ourselves. What we give out, we get back. Sometimes that’s hard to accept, but it’s true. And often we get so used to feeling a certain way, that we don’t recognise it feels self-destructive. Until we take time to check in with ourselves.
So I’ve been trying to work on this… and have become more aware about how real this thinking ‘theory’ is. Yesterday I knew I was having an extra-insecure day… and I’d been so scared about entering the dining room and worrying about where to sit and who might respond disappointedly, or feeling like I am making people feel uncomfortable… plus being anxious/stressed about this compulsive need to do certain ‘productive’/achievement-focused things that it felt like there was no time for everything and my high self-expectations got caught up with themselves.
You could probably relate to this – but you know when you’re in a low mood about yourself, and suddenly your brain becomes Pink Panther, hunting down evidence to VALIDATE how much of a ‘cr*p’ person you are… to make it more ‘real’ how worthless you feel. PC Paranoid Pink Panther (excuse the P’s…) had it’s moment of glory yesterday. I’d overheard whispering after I walked out of the communal lounge between a couple of patients, knowing it was about me. Doubting that I took the risks earlier that day to be a bit more ‘talkative’ and contribute to the group. So me and my insecurities worked this thing up in my head, that it must be something bad, something bad that fits in line with the negative beliefs I’d been carrying around in my backpack.
Well, Pink Panther, you caused an unnecessary storm… I felt bloody awful after, but due to me projecting my negative beliefs about myself onto another patient and accusing them of whispering bitchy things about me, I caused her to feel upset. We sorted it and cleared things up and have since had a solid, open chat. And yes, I was utterly wrong. I didn’t believe it at first, but then the pieces of my insecure jigsaw started to piece together. The paranoia. And it turns out I’d been feeding myself poisonous thoughts and lies. What a waste of time…
The chat was really eye-opening. And regardless of how different we might feel to other people from a distance, it turns out we probably have a ton more things in common, things that instantly connect us. So it’s always worth holding onto that when you feel on a completely different wave length to people at times.
The Pink Panther moment provided enough evidence to prove to myself, that holding negative beliefs about yourself, will ultimately affect others too. It reassured me that it’s a waste of time worrying what others think, because they’re too busy actually dealing with their own worries… that at the end of the day it’s completely up to you how much happiness you allow to come your way through the day.
Confidence and happiness lies within us all the time, but it’s how we allow ourselves to be in that place, or whether we’re willing to work on finding it at all.
Note to my future self: don’t give in to the paranoid Pink Panther.