White toast x 2.
Ham sandwich (wholemeal), 5-bean salad, side salad.
Ice-cream (2 scoops).
Savoury minced lamb, potato wedges, garden peas.
Rhubarb crumble and custard.
…& the usual PINT of semi-skimmed milk.
Phew. Phwoar. Gulp. It’s been one corker of a day… very fast but productive. One of those days where everything seems to take longer than planned! Although to be fair, it’s been a bit of a tug-of-war with my perfectionism/high self-expectations… but we got there. And because it all happened so quick, in Asda during my hour’s leave, I put a couple of spontaneous ‘f*ck it’s’ in my basket…
…more impulse ‘me’ buys, triggered by a big whack of curiosity… I’m loving the life-decisions lead by this, instead of having to find ‘logic’ and justification in EVERYTHING. That’s what Anorexia craves… but there was no time for that today. Curiosity won.
One of the other patients here, whipped out a ‘White Choc Mocha’ sachet the other night, and oh… my… giddy-ant… once that hot water hit the fluffy white powder, making a rising swirl in the mug, it poisoned the air with absolute beauty to the nostrils. Please, Nescafe, invent home air fresheners… ?
So she’d kindly left a couple of the gold sachets out in case anyone else wanted to try one… since then, I’ve been walking to and from the kettle (my many, MANY trips for tea and coffee) giving them a cheeky, flirty eye… curious, but scared. Scared of the extra ‘c’ word (numbers of the devil!); fully trusting the ‘delish’ taste sure to come of it, but UNtrusting of the thoughts threatening to chain me down once the enjoyment subsided.
…anyway, I thought that MAYBE by taking ownership of this craving – picking my own box off the Asda shelf, into my basket, through the checkout to make it’s way into my very own room (well, hospital room)… that would soon be enough to knock a bit of confidence into my curiosity. That one day soon (hopefully this coming week, please!), seeing them stand loud and proud amongst the rest of my hot beverage collection, I will become OVERLY-curious that it would almost seem rude NOT to satisfy the craving…
…the other little ‘f*ck it’ purchase was a bottle of squeezy honey with a hint of cinnamon. And I am partial to a bit of the old cinnamon… I thought it had potential for trying on a bit of toast some time… another little perk to look forward to.
The main chunk of today, however, has been dedicated to experimenting with/filming and starting to edit a YouTube video… I’d asked my mum last week if she could pick me up a webcam I’d ordered from Argos… so I’d done this because I’ve been thinking recently how I could start gaining confidence using my voice, and becoming aware of how to improve in the way I speak. After all, one of my ultimate, ULTIMATE, goals in life, is not only to live in America, but to deliver a ‘TED’ talk.
(Google ‘TED’ talks if you’re not too sure what it is!)
One of the reasons I feel myself craving to do this, is plain and simply because the thought of this one very thing scares the living cr*p out of me. How much speaking out loud has always scared me, and has felt one big threat to my identity/self-worth… particularly haunted by my school years. I find myself over-analysing when I do talk, feeling selfish when I’ve tried to be confident, feeling guilty and then retreating back into my shell. It tends to go through cycles and the unpredictability of it scares me so much…
…because using my voice makes me feel naked on a beach sometimes, it’s the one thing that makes me feel most ‘weak’ when it feels like it’s gone ‘wrong’ or I feel like my mouth has sealed up that I can’t express myself, and don’t deserve to. So it’s exactly why it’s the one thing I really would like to conquer. Not only could it help me with my self-confidence and to overcome my Eating Disorder, but also it would personally give me a sense of fulfilment that not many other things could. Because I know it’s felt like my weakness/insecurity for such a long time, so to smash through that and prove that I’m capable and that people might listen and my voice might offer some worth, would be incredible… especially if it means being able to talk about something I’m passionate about.
So I’ve been dabbling with the camera, and have come up with a number of ideas related to mental health/self-care as well as eventually the awareness of Eating Disorders and offering people a bit more insight into them… my first (experimental) video explores a few ‘little perks’ I’ve picked up on since my admission here – to make me more ‘aware’ of the little things through my days, totally unrelated to my weight/shape/body that I feel help with general happiness and mental health… tiny things to look forward to… helping to try and channel negative emotions/a chipping away of confidence AWAY from my weight and size. Which has been a natural coping mechanism for so long.
I’m not going to lie, I’ve really struggled with my high expectations today – originally planning to film and talk about 5 ‘little perks’, but realising it felt overwhelming and perhaps an over-ambitious ask of myself as a ‘first’ video. So despite having all the ideas planned, I whittled it down to a more realistic 3 for the first time. It took a LOT of practice and awkward stumbles over this past week, so I’m crossing my fingers that this mini first project, doesn’t come across as stupid and ‘expose’ my naked body parts on the beach… because once I started relaxing into it I enjoyed it. It’s a risk I’d like to take to expose myself like this so I can keep on learning and improving… because as the ‘quote of the day’ from my calendar says (thanks to my mum):
“You are allowed to be both a masterpiece and a work in progress, simultaneously.”
HOPEFULLY upload my video tomorrow. Aaaagh… !
On a final note, I apologise to any customers in Asda I may have knocked out with my eyebrow hair this afternoon. (I’m growing them out…)