White toast x 2, butter. (…Marmite on one slice)
Pork and apple casserole, mashed potato, cabbage.
Peach full-fat yoghurt.
Tuna mayonnaise, jacket potato, butter, 5-bean salad, side salad.
Baked lemon tart.
Weetabix x 2.
…& the usual PINT of semi-skimmed milk.
So I started a post, but the day has been SUCH a busy one, so I’m going to hold it off so I can finish and upload it tomorrow! All about ‘fat’ and yoghurt!
Day in a summary – productive 1:1 with my dietician, VERY productive 1:1 with one of my workers – working through social anxiety stuff and have arranged the first FOOD-related challenges off the Unit… including going out for a milkshake at McDonald’s with her next week (aaaaagh! F*ck! Boll*cks!)… and coffee and CAKE with my sister at the weekend (if my afternoon out gets 1000000% confirmed on Thursday) – (also aaaagh! F*ck! Boll*cks!) It feels so wrong that I know it must be RIGHT!
Then it was ‘Inpatient’ group discussing quite awkward topics (the cup of ‘Cinder Toffee’ coffee I took in being my usual thankful saviour), and we’ve also just had ‘book club’. It’s ran by one of the funniest, refreshing, REAL, very Northern workers. She’s bloody brilliant… so I always look forward to that. (whilst sipping my first bash at ‘Earl Grey’ tea – which the name always used to put me off because it sounded too posh, that I felt I should be wearing a bonnet and drinking out of a fairy-sized china cup…) But my taste-buds seemed to approve – they had a bit of a waltz to celebrate their new teabag discovery.
Oh, this is the book we’re reading…
It’s a relief of a read for me – quite a heavy, controversial topic but written in an easy-read kind of way. One of those books that helps you form the movie-version in your head very easily if you get what I mean?
And on a FINAL note for today, I thought I’d leave you with a picture of the TORN-UP ‘calorie’ ‘food diary’ books that were my Eating Disorder’s trusty bibles before my hospital admission. They were written proof of the ‘honouring’ of myself – to have to write the food down, how many ‘grams’ of everything, and how many ‘calories’. Keeping track of how many ‘calories’/pennies I had left in my pocket to spend throughout the rest of the day. An exhausting, pointless bit of work…
I ripped these up the other week actually, deciding that no, I DIDN’T need to ‘cling on’ “just in case”. There’s part of you that worries, even when in recovery, that you’re throwing so much hard-work (on Anorexia’s part) into the fire. Or that you may need to refer to the daily food-logs in future, if ever you need to ‘get back in control’… when actually, translated to normal talk in the real world… is LOSE CONTROL. Ironically, the cover of one of my little ‘calorie’ notebooks is: “Always believe that something wonderful is about to happen.”
What’s wonderful? That you’re in the bin.
Job’s a good’un.