White toast x 2, butter.
Egg mayo sandwich (wholemeal), 5-bean salad, side salad.
Jam sponge and custard.
Chicken and broccoli bake, garlic bread, side salad.
Cherry full-fat yoghurt.
…& the usual PINT of semi-skimmed milk.
(Evening! you may have noticed my blog-page is undergoing a bit of maintenance… I’m having a bit of an experiment… so thanks for baring with me! This post then, I guess is pretty appropriate…)
Change… sends a little wave under our rowing boats… bobbing us up and down. When it’s unexpected, especially if the ride has been smooth and familiar for a while… it can make us feel seasick. Unsettled.
We may close our eyes at first to get through it… but as time goes by and that bobbing feeling becomes the new familiar, we may open a cheeky, curious eye and take a look around. If we’re going to go through it and there’s no stopping it… we may as well try and spot some pretty things along the way!!
So I’m discovering, through treatment, the more I’ve proved to myself that I CAN adjust to change… (actually ‘having’ to pick certain foods in the first place)… the more I’m actually craving ‘variety’. Maybe it’s because you gather subconscious evidence that you have survived – mentally, what you thought you never could? You can a little more trust and confidence in the unknown…
I think that’s I’m starting to get quicker at putting together my weekly meal-plan. I’ve adopted more of a ‘yes man’ approach (Anorexia doesn’t have this phrase in it’s dictionary)… and whilst I still do cling on to certain ‘rules’ I guess, when piecing together my choices, they’re a morsel of what they were. Going through change is making me more curious about what else there is left to discover… you might notice that Weetabix is taking less of a centre role nowadays!
Weetabix was my paracetemol for my ‘recovery headache’… the one thing I relied on throughout what seemed very ‘chaotic’ weeks of food.
Today’s bit of ‘neon magic’ (see post ‘DAY# 59’) was the ‘chicken and broccoli bake’… it comes in a creamy sauce with a cheesy, crispy topping… 3 months into this admission, it’s the first time I’ve tried it. ‘Creamy’ was one for the book of Eating Disorder swear-words… but I’m finding that although I know certain foods I’m now picking are ‘challenging’/uncomfortable… I find my fear less attached to the food itself, and more on my actual, REAL, raw insecurities. Which is why Anorexia is such a mentally useful plaster.
Today things feel difficult, messy, lonely and overwhelming. It’s easy to start feeling hopeless when these are strong without turning to food, to feel like you’re not going anywhere… it’s been one of those days where the loneliness/emptiness would have previously been filled by pre-occupation with my Eating Disorder – planning, counting or anything else related. Part of me is HUGELY positive, but then other times it feels like I’m crashing down to the bottom of a log flume ride – drenched.
I have to remember that I still AM going somewhere… the harder bits of me aren’t going to fix themselves. But the more I persevere with training my brain that it’s still ‘normal’/necessary to enjoy and eat a wide range of food, regardless of your emotions… the better off in the long-run my mind will become.
Yeah I feel sh*t, pathetic, lonely, selfish and distant today… but apparently, I still deserve a chocolate bar tonight. No, I DO (?!) deserve a chocolate bar tonight… and so do you.
Let’s keep bobbing on our little boats! Being scared of change is okay… it’s a human instinct born into all of us. And remember to open a cheeky, curious eye along the way!