Wholemeal toast x 2, butter.
Savoury minced lamb, Yorkshire pudding, mashed potato, sweetcorn.
Unknown cake with my sister.
Baked beans, jacket potato, butter, side salad.
Plum crumble and custard.
‘Choco Fudge’ cookie.
…& the usual PINT of semi-skimmed milk.
Bare with (Miranda quote) whilst I polish my square, silver head…
…so on this sunny-Jim of a Saturday morning, I’m a little worried. Am I turning into a robot?
I woke up thinking “Happy Coffee and Cake Day!” (insert excited emoji here – next to the one with two girls dancing)… whilst flipping over to my OTHER side of the bed to see a pop-up though bubble saying “What are you wearing to your funeral today?” (insert devastated emoji – next to the gravestone, ghost and coffin emojis)
Looks like an emoji recipe for Halloween! But nope, it’s just Anorexia shedding a tear at the thought of a NEW, exciting opportunity… involving cake that ISN’T prescribed on a meal-plan. It’s not compulsory or expected. For the first time in a looooooooooooong time, cake is my choice. My ‘prescribed’/planned afternoon snack for today is ‘Nutri-Grain bar’… so to rebel, it almost feels like I’m choosing to have an ‘own clothes day’ at school… when instead I should be wearing the boring, same old (but weirdly comforting that the choice of what to wear is taken away from you!)… school uniform.
The fact that MY (Yasmin’s) choice = cake (enjoying it side-by-side with my sister on my first full afternoon off the Unit)… is (*correction – FEELS*) wrong. It’s DEFINITELY wrong to Anorexia, but to human/recovery emotion, I feel strong enough in myself now to recognise that translates as ‘scared’. And it’s okay to be scared by something new. Human feelings, however uncomfortable, are much ‘truer’ to you, and better for your long-term quality of life than the safety of a black-and-white Anorexic rule-book.
Would I rather be a bit scared, temporarily, of a slab of tasty cake? To then go onto enjoy the taste? As WELL as spending quality time with my sister? Something we’ve been unable to do for many years together due to her mental health struggles too…
OR – be scared looking back after what I could choose to make another 10+ years of continuing to listen to my Eating Disorder, about what I missed? The lies that kept me living under a rock.
No, I don’t feel quite deserving to eat cake yet… but when is the right time to start feeling that way? If I wait the rest of my life, I’ll never eat cake again… whereas if I have my cake and eat it first… (literally) the relationship with myself is something I can chip away at a bit at a time. As long as you keep one foot in front of the other, however slow… you will always have a purpose.
By choosing cake, I’m choosing DISCOMFORT… but I’m also choosing to teach myself how to survive it. Without sacrificing taste and life experience.
‘Scared’ and ‘excited’ are the best of friends – they actually have a lot in common. (I mean, you only have to look at their emoji’s to notice the same face shape and yellow skin-tone… just their mouths that are different!)
My robot concerns arise from the fact we’re finding it easier to ‘think’ and ‘feel’ in emoji’s! Not that I’m complaining. It can be quite entertaining at times, and literally more ‘colourful’. But maybe… just MAYBE… emoji’s are HELPING emotional expression…
At this rate, none of us will need botox in years to come! We won’t have moved our mouths or cheeks enough to cause a slither of a wrinkle… not so good news for the botox industry – but, bloody fantastic for us!
Yasmin’s current head = *cake emoji, scared emoji, excited emoji* repeat…
Quality time with my sister > the fear of cake.
(I KNEW Maths symbols would come in handy one day… *smug face emoji*)
Anyway, off into Leeds City Centre to meet my sister now. (I lie, in 15 minutes… after we’ve finished lunch bed-rest and I’ve posted this.)