Apple, yoghurt, berry compote.
‘Morrisons’ egg and cous-cous salad.
Sweet and salty popcorn.
Tuna mayo ‘Subway’ sandwich, 6-inch on ‘Honey Oat’ bread with salad.
Sultanas and raisins.
(written in ‘Starbucks’ with the Subway sandwich I’d sneaked in, alongside my heffa-lump of a suitcase…)
This is hard. Really hard. Really, REALLY hard… sat alone, having to breathe inside my body right now, knowing this is where I live. Hopefully never going smaller… only this or bigger. Being pulled this way and that, with my cravings around food without rules. Having seen my best friend off at the train station, after a fantastic few days, I’m now doubting how much I can trust myself…
I didn’t let Anorexia rain on my parade this weekend… and now I’m starting to realise – it’s not that those raindrops weren’t THERE, instead they were collected by one cloud, waiting to catch me at a moment, on my own, when I’d regret having embraced a flavour adventure for a few days – with no familiar meal-‘plan’ set by the Unit, no calorie-counting or over-planning by me on my own as a compromise. Just eating and daring to ‘go with the flow’.
Its been a WORLD apart from the last trip my best friend and I had together in London… (see previous post) We’ve enjoyed a PROPER burger experience for a meal – bun and all trimmings included this time (thank you very much, Anorexia – jog on…) and I chose the ONE thing on the menu I’d eyed up since the first time I discovered this particular restaurant (using my GUT – not my over-thinking Eating-Disordered brain), a carvery, a hotel breakfast buffet, and some snacky treats as we’ve gone about our days… (shout-out to Mr Pretzel! I finally had my first full one ever – cinnamon sugar-coated, hello you gorgeous thing…)
But how do I know when control has flipped into ‘out of control’? I recognise I enjoyed lots of foodie moments this weekend, and have been more spontaneous than I have in such a long time. But If I’m emotionally involved with food to have developed Anorexia, it’s TERRIFYING to think that what if, in the process of reaching a ‘healthy’ weight this time again, that emotional reliance is still there… but ends up swinging the other way – that I feel too involved with my eating experience, entangled in something that isn’t sure of the on/off switch.
What if I keep eating, and then I eat more because I feel so inadequate, unsure and lost in this healthier body… that I keep putting on weight… because the enjoyment factor of eating is a temporary high to escape how sh*t and trapped I feel in my body? I’m scared of that viscous cycle developing… so, so scared to be honest.
And this is where the fear of the binge/purge cycle comes into mind. And turning to Bulimic behaviours again. I’ve got to this point a few times with my weight/and eating enjoyable foods on a more regular basis, but the acceptance of this being able to carry on like it’s ‘normal’, at the way my body currently feels, knowing I ‘should’ feel confident when I don’t, is hard to adjust to. And this is where the structure and old-familiarity/comfort of calorie-counting (and all the number sciences that come with an Eating Disorder) starts to feel like such a stupid thing to have let go of. Like I actually ‘think’ I can trust myself around food?? Times like this I feel like Anorexia is pointing and laughing, telling me how much of a fraud I am…
Of course it’s okay to have days where you eat more than others, I get that – especially on special occasions, and perhaps it’s common at weekends – but how do I know when I’ve enjoyed food TOO much?
There’s no bunny-fluffy way to say it; I feel like a repulsive, over-indulged blob.
The moments I shared with my friend – not letting food-rules get in the way of the whole time spent together or dictate plans and how the days should go, outweigh these feelings by miles – don’t get me wrong for a moment. But the time spent in her company was temporary, regardless of how fantastic it was… whereas the time spent in my head is forever.
And how do I deal with my head, in this state… forever? Without turning to food. Without tripping over guilt and wanting to turn back to the calorie minions – or binging and/or purging to escape this confusion and inadequacy I feel as a human being, like there’s no way out…
…I’d like to know more desperately than ever. So I guess the only way out is through it. If I want to take a different recovery path this time. To sit through this discomfort – physically AND mentally, whilst trying to fight behaviours that are telling me are the only way to restore peace. Even just for a fleeting second…
…at the moment, whilst I feel greedy, pathetic, scared, ugly, messy in my head, uncertain, all I can rely on is hope.
After such an experimental weekend as far as my cravings are concerned – the fact it’s weigh-day tomorrow is F.*.c.k.i.n.g. T.e.r.r.i.f.y.i.n.g.