DAY #131 FULL PORTIONS; Don’t Mess with the Props…

Weetabix x 2.
Crumpet, butter.

Morning snack

Tuna mayo and cucumber wrap, sweet chilli crackers, side salad.

Afternoon snack
Ice-cream cone.

Sausage pasta in a garlic and tomato sauce with mushrooms.
‘Cadbury Caramel’ sponge pudding.

‘Crunchy Nut Cornflakes’


Russell Brand goes to bite into a shiny, plastic croissant (from the decorative breakfast props), on ‘Lorraine’…
“Is anything real any more?” “Are you really even Scottish?!?!”

One of those things that was hilarious to watch at the time… but maybe for you to read, doesn’t poke much of a chuckle! Tickled me, whilst nibbling on my crumpet, though – it did, it did…

…I love how Russell Brand (annoying twang in his voice aside), is so REAL about the dysfunction of human beings as a whole… how he makes himself vulnerable – holding up his hands in public to speak openly about his past regretful behaviour, driven by an addiction: drugs.

When we suffer any kind of addiction (which Russell Brand believes we ALL do to a degree)… we either continue in denial, feeling that familiar sense of high/control that it gives us in that moment, only to recognise afterwards that it actually makes us feel very OUT of control… or miserable, hopeless or stuck. On an endless psychological hamster wheel, not knowing how to stop…

…or if we ARE aware, we maybe suffer in silence, which can sometimes stack shame on our shoulders …we maybe dare not mention it in front of others, out of fear of their judgment – “what if they think I’m weak for not being able to control my thoughts/behaviours how I’d like to?” “What if they tell me to stop complaining, and to do something about it – but I can’t?”

Russell Brand said the only POSITIVE thing about being a drug addict, was that at least it got him into trouble with the police. Lots. Which meant the problem was pointed out quite obviously to him, time and time again. Even if he was stuck, numb to the feeling of his relationship with drugs… there was no escape from the fact that his addiction was destructive of not only himself, but the law… so eventually that enabled him to realise the extent of the problem and then eventually overcome it.

Some people aren’t so ‘lucky’…

…some addictions are much more silent and hidden behind what appears to be a well-functioning life. Anything from overworking, the need to always be in a relationship, alcohol, cleaning, exercise, to of course, being addicted to food.

We can all state we’re ‘addicted’ to something, even a favourite food… but what we may mean is that we really ENJOY something, which might sometimes be hard to distinguish. Being addicted, I personally associate with having an emotional reliance to something – that without, you feel lost and more vulnerable than when you’re pre-occupied with it.

For people suffering with Eating Disorders, the sad part is, many people live with an addiction for a long, long time before they can access treatment because of certain ‘criteria’ from hospitals/outpatient support. If you think about it, even starting yo-yo dieting at an early age, is an early seed to developing an addictive, emotional relationship with food… even if it doesn’t show physically, the psychological clock-work is already in motion, the addiction colouring the brain cells… fast forward to a few years down the line when this person has found themselves engaging in binging/purging behaviours, or has lost a lot of weight due to restrictive behaviours, it may be at this point when, finally, that person realises maybe their problem is ‘enough’ of one to receive help.

Or maybe, speaking from past experience, it takes people from the outside to realise that person’s addiction is reaching crisis point… like Russell brand, the law may be brought to light.

I remember exactly what I was wearing the day I was ‘sectioned’ under the Mental Health Act in my own home – my first of three (NO MORE) inpatient admissions. I was clueless. I felt fine. My addiction was keeping me in a place where I felt cozy; it didn’t matter if I didn’t receive affection, or if I never felt I worked hard enough, or if I felt like a social, awkward weirdo, or if my self-esteem was on an endless destructive loop, or if I never felt like I met my expectations… I didn’t need to rely on any one else to keep me safe. I developed my own method, unknowingly: Anorexia.

As I move through this full-recovery, I know there will probably always be that addiction there. I might look ‘well’, I might look psychically ‘much better’, but the niggling thoughts distracting me from what I should be doing or could be doing, or even could be THINKING, are very much still there.

What I AM seeing a great and gradual improvement in, is my ability to be more flexible and my ability to face and enjoy a wider range of foods. The number-focused side of my Eating Disorder, I’d like to say is no longer there. It was almost King of my addiction… so I’m thankful that large space in my head that was once inhabited my calories, time, grams and stone has been silenced. And hand on heart, I never thought it would be…

…I still feel I can be dragged into pre-occupation with food quite easily. Meal-planning has become a bit of an addiction (used in a positive sense, rather than used to restrict and monitor my food out of before, as previously) …although I’m beginning to knuckle down challenging this at weekends. When I’m out and about, I still find I spend a lot of time looking at food, or thinking about what I need to buy to stock up (maybe it’s the part of my brain from when I was previously starved that is the ‘human survival’ instinct of seeking out food…) but also I’m addicted to how food can regulate your mood – in either the sense of ‘reward’ of something you look forward to eating, and generally because it’s something that is so regular, every day, it’s something you can always rely on – a way of finding structure.

I WAS going to talk about a few bits and pieces about being on home leave so far – but appears that plastic croissant got me on a tangent!

They are pretty incredible (the real ones) though, and I think it’s about time I reunited my chops again with one soon. That crumpet this morning (with a spreading of silky ‘Lurpak’) was a crackin’ compromise though… a lovely change from white toast (I spent a fair few minutes in Sainsbury’s putting them in my basket and taking them out, putting them in and taking them out, last night) – the fight between white toast being the familiar repetitive breakfast option I was used to, and the crumpets being the item of my ‘recovering-head’ curiosity. This is a perk of being on home-leave… getting to be ‘Dora The Explorer’ of the foodie world and putting Anorexia to the test!!

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