…as I’m in London reet now with my cheeky-chops of a beautiful, youngest sibling, I thought rather than go with my autopilot all-or-nothing thinking (“if I type a blog-post, I must put in a decent amount of time before I share anything out of fear it won’t be worthy enough… otherwise “it’s not worth doing because I’ll look like a cr*p writer, and a lazy slacker, who now is nourishing her body and enjoying food again is losing complete control of her life”)… which therefore when it comes to that perfectionist way of thinking, feeds into my thoughts around the way I feel deserving of food and impacts on my self-esteem… (STILL VERY MUCH A WORK-IN-PROGRESS).
…instead, I thought I’d feed back about how London/the ‘Cake and Bake Show’ went in my NEXT post, and today share a couple of bits from the past with you.
First, here’s a song I wrote, 3 and a half years ago when I was back trying to recover in the community before my first inpatient admission, and my sister also became ill with Anorexia. At this time, I was making progress but it began slipping into Bulimia – the way I managed to pull myself together and stay motivated with each day was to try and press the ‘reboot’ button in my head each morning and to treat each new day as a fresh beginning… easier said than done, but it was a way of trying to get through and not feel totally worthless. Using music and creativity really did help me navigate my way through these negative feelings. In terms of performing, I was terrified of not feeling ‘good enough’ or ‘perfect’ but it was so therapeutic in the sense that it allowed me to confront these ‘flaws’ and to express myself and aim for a sense of enjoyment, rather than have to tick so many invisible ‘boxes’ for expectations.
Here’s the lyrics, followed by the YouTube link to my recording back in the day:
(beware of a bit of CRINGE-factor, rather a lot actually! And please don’t envy the boulder-size nose-stud I had in that was actually an earring…)
Again, prepare for some crinkly-cringe: