DAY #145 FULL PORTIONS; New Stage, New Chapter…

Breakfast
Bran flakes.

Lunch
Roast chicken, coleslaw and salad sandwich (white).
Apricot yoghurts.

Afternoon snack
Fruit ‘foamy’ sweets.

Tea
Grilled salmon with sweet chilli sauce, quinoa, rice and sunflower seed mix, salad.
Bran and coconut flapjack with ice-cream.

Supper
Not sure yet! (beauty of spontaneity… love a bit of that don’t you Anorexia!

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Doodle from the other day. Inspired by the fact that our brain relies so, so much and pretty whole-heartedly on CARBS!! CARBS are GOOD… the moment you take them away, the moment our brain cripples. It’s our brain’s GO-TO energy source. They are NOT bad and carb-free diets are a load of bollocks. Thank you to the incredible dietetics sessions we get on the Unit and for helping us fight against a brainwashed world! (cheers to the greedy diet industry)

About four and a half months ago, I was bamboozled, terrified and almost refusing to eat half a slice of toast suggested by paramedics who were called out to me in the middle of the night, at the Eating Disorder Unit because of my dangerously low pulse and blood sugars. Today I licked the spoon after baking flapjack… …it was one golden second of feeling free and alive that I want to keep in my pocket forever. Especially as it’s something I got to enjoy with my Great Auntie, just like we used to, with my sisters when I was about 10.

Yesterday… 6.45am… scales under my feet…

“You know what that means… ?” my support worker said, copying my new BMI down off the calculator and onto my weight-chart.

“Stage 3?” I replied doubtfully (not actually wanting to hear the answer) behind gritted teeth after cringing as I pulled back on my pyjamas bottoms, hearing that wasp buzzing (see last post) so loud after looking down and seeing those red flashing lines form a number.

I’d sensed it coming for about a week or so. Stage 3 of my treatment program. The beginning of my work at ‘maintenance’, when my new strength for eating enjoyable/fear-type foods relied on my backstage thought of “Well what’s the worst that can happen? I need to put on weight anyway…” comes to an end.

Waiting for the feedback around my weight-gain yesterday, felt similar to opening my GCSE results, but not actually being able to work out if I’d passed or failed. Because of the thoughts in my head…

…of course this felt like a harder moment of grief for Anorexia. Hearing that the ‘weight-gain’ was now allowed to be slowed – that I no longer ‘need’ to replace what Anorexia took away. But I didn’t find that the thoughts fought back as hard as they used to. Which was weird…

…I heard and felt my Eating Disorder shower shame and regret and the usual “I told you so…” but it’s like the side of me is starting to give up throwing the punches as hard because I’m getting thicker skinned. (in my brain and I supposed, literally – sorry for the awkward pun!)

BUT I AM scared, which I also shared with my team, how this will affect my mind-set towards those foods I do enjoy, now that I don’t associate them with the safety of having to put on weight, but learning that I CAN eat them as part of an EVERYDAY lifestyle.

As my diet is not yet getting reduced, it’s also pretty daunting that my weight could still go up, but I have to remember that it’s my Eating Disorder that’s rigid. Just because I have now reached a BMI of 20, it doesn’t mean the work or necessarily the weight-gain stops there. I guess for so long, Anorexia has made me see a BMI of 20 as the finish line, when really, my body has no finish line. If it takes a bit more to get my body settled, (I haven’t yet got my periods back, so that’s a sign…) and working properly, then it will make things feel kinder if I accept that my weight is free to be anything in the healthy range.

I still often feel like I’m wearing a fancy costume, don’t get me wrong – it’s going to be a marathon towards body acceptance, let alone confidence – BUT right now, I don’t regret the path I’ve chosen.

I’m scared, sometimes untrusting of myself, sometimes very doubtful… but finally hope and CURIOSITY outweighs that.

I’m quite excited for life again.

So much can change in five and a half months. Physically, mentally OR both…

…never give up and never surrender to your goals.

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