Crumpets x 2, butter.
Tuna mayo wholemeal wrap, mixed side salad.
‘Max’ paprika-flavoured crisps.
Mixed fruit and nuts.
Pasta in Bolognese sauce, mixed veg with bacon and mozzarella.
‘Peach and apricot’ yoghurt.
‘Terry’s’ chocolate orange bar.
One brilliant thing I’ve discovered about being in recovery from Anorexia… is being able to use what’s in the fridge. Like playing fridge ‘Scrabble’.
So that means, getting to tea-time, realising you haven’t planned anything but not having to panic because there isn’t a feisty ‘King’ (Anorexia) in your head abusing you if you don’t obey. And on the list of top priorities from my illness when I was in it’s throws, was to know way, waaayyyyy in advance the meals I had planned. To be prepared, and always 584948759 steps ahead of my mind. I was addicted to controlling uncertainty.
I do try and plan most of my meals, but sometimes if I’ve been busy, but I know I need to make up something containing all food groups, I now find myself feeling much more calm and capable. I know I still struggle with binging and purging on evenings sometimes, for reasons I feel contributed by high levels of anxiety, but in terms of functioning through the majority of my day, I feel like I am more resilient than I’ve been in a long time. A lot of that came from the firm choice never to calorie-count again, or aim for certain ‘numbers’, and also, to make sure I eat regularly and test out being spontaneous with when I might want to eat my snacks, and experimenting with hunger instead of having to stick with certain times.
So tonight I hadn’t planned my tea. But at the back of my mind I had a solid wall of trust – with myself, that I had a broad selection of stuff in, so I didn’t need to panic. I never thought I’d see the day that I could go without planning my main meals and not have a total meltdown in the kitchen…
…but following my basic recovery rules – including ALL food groups – carbs, fat, protein, salad/veg I knew I could make this okay. That if I kept things simplified this way, I can’t really go wrong. I had some bacon in the fridge that needed using up, made it all crisp and delicious to sprinkle on my warming pasta and mozzarella.
I originally bought the bacon and mozzarella for cooking for family a couple of weeks back, and they never had a ‘hello, I’m available for your taste-buds’ sign on them every time I opened the fridge. I guess they’re things I’d allow myself to have, only as part of cooking for others. But it was like discovering something new and exciting, literally right under my nose.
Bacon + crispy = absolute heaven. This used to be one of my absolute favourites, before my illness turned all foods into mathematical formula… so it was great to be reunited.
And this is so, so random… but I came across ‘Terry’s Chocolate Orange’ bars yesterday, without looking for them. I have this one memory attached when I was at hospital as a kid visiting someone – I remember the taste of eating one back then. And luckily, I’ve never binged-and-purged on this chocolate, so I don’t hold any negative connotations… and saying that, I’m not sure I’ve even eaten this flavour chocolate when in recovery at all.
So I’m looking forward to my supper tonight!