Weetabix x 2 (with semi-skimmed milk).
Pear, and mixed nuts.
Afternoon tea – ham and tomato sandwich, scone with jam and cream, bite-size banoffee pie, bitesize lemon cheesecake.
Sesame ‘Ryvita’ x 2 – one with cottage cheese and sweet chilli, one with mozzarella.
Yoghurt, raspberries, jelly.
You’ll never guess what… (if there’s anyone reading this)
….I only woke up this morning, expecting to see those empty beer bottles, and wondering who I’d texted in a drunken state last night… waiting for that hangover feeling to kick in. (metaphorically speaking here, as of course I’m talking about that similar feeling I relate to the consequences of my Eating Disorder) And woah… it wasn’t there. Why?!..
I didn’t binge and purge last night!! To most people I understand that must seem pathetic. But to me it’s better than Christmas!! It’s like getting a B in a Geography exam (and I am bloody awful on that topic – don’t buddy up with me if that comes up in a Pub Quiz)
So far this week I’ve been doing much better anyway, as I’ve been making every effort to take control back myself…
- Sticking to a substantial/non-restrictive meal plan that includes ALL types of food, and not slipping in the mornings, when the last thing I want to do is eat something substantial due to guilt and disgust sitting on my face.
- This week, compared to many weeks before, I HAVEN’T bought any ‘binge food’ – so when it gets to the evening and my anxiety is sky-high and the compulsions come with the intensity of flashbacks – I have actually preserved my self-respect and haven’t rushed off to the nearest shop in my Disney pyjamas or Winne the Pooh onesie, not too well disguised under my coat.
…however, although my behaviours have not been to this extreme over the past few days, the urge to ‘be sick’ before feeling I’m able to cope with going to sleep has still snuck in, so the binge-purge has consisted of things already in my cupboard. But, to me, with the above two things in mind, this, for me just recently, has been great progress. It also shrinks the guilt significantly in terms of the compulsive wasting of money.
But last night – not even that!!!!
What was different? I do remember being utterly tired anyway, due to being up that morning at 3.30am… but usually this is not enough to stop the urge when it comes. Perhaps it’s the sticking to a substantial meal-plan, including all foods to lessen those ‘bad’/’good’ segments in my head, making peace with them all… perhaps it’s committing to taking my medication again, regularly (SO important)… perhaps it’s that desperation/that hope that things really need to change and a bit of trust that maybe they can.
I did go to bed with a ‘liquorice toffee’, out of fear between the gap of me getting up from the sofa in the lounge… to going to bed, I was scared that urge was going to jump onto my back like a lion. So perhaps tasting something whilst in bed would prolong that a little bit.
Also… I think I’m improving my flexibility, generally, with life. I’m practicing (although it’s painful) at not being able to do my very best at everything… I’m learning about the importance of leaving tasks feeling ‘unfinished’ on a regular basis, in order to do that thing they call ‘juggling life’, which makes me feel guilty. I still struggle with knowing/trusting when I’ve ever done ‘good enough’ anything. But that’s something that’s not going to go overnight.
It was such a nice feeling this morning, I can’t tell you… and also with knowing I had planned losing my AFTERNOON TEA virginity with my youngest sister (she’s a connoisseur in this field!) in the afternoon… it helped the ‘challenge’ of that being my first time, feel easier. If I had binged and purged last night, it would have made it so much harder to accept doing something that feels so luxurious as that. It would have given me every excuse under the sun to cancel – but my Eating Disorder did not win this time!!
Afternoon tea was brilliant… it’s something I’ve wanted to do with my little sister for SO, so long… but I’ve always been scared if it’s been suggested at too short notice, or I’ve got to feel like I have enough time to ‘prepare myself’…. but there ends up NEVER being enough time. So, instead of waiting for the ‘right time’, I had to cope with the ‘now’. To start putting in the ‘changes’ now. To practice how I want my life to be ‘now’. Not tomorrow…
…it was a bit strange, the whole experience in terms of comparing how I was 7/8 months ago… sooooooo controlled by numbers and equations – there was absolutely NO chance of what happened today, happening then. Even in terms of behaviours – having to eat things in a certain order, being so mortified by an anxious situation that I wouldn’t be able to relax into the situation – so it wouldn’t be worth doing, anyway.
AND we had it booked for 2.30pm, which not long ago would have been a right-off – it would feel way too late… but really, the only reason I can see now, would be that if I was restricting, the importance of eating at certain times became heightened because my brain and my body was starving. Sometimes, eating too late does make me panic in some ways, because I fear letting hunger build which makes me scared to lose control… but in terms of being controlled by certain times to eat meals, it can be a form of natural instinct/survival as if your brain knows your body is being starved, it will pay way more attention to these smaller details.
Did I count calories at all today? No. I no longer want to waste my brain cells. Did I skip any meals knowing I was going for afternoon tea today? No, I trusted my hunger signals, and made sure, with getting up early, that I had two snacks to keep me going. My tea was ‘lighter’ purely because I didn’t fancy much, as although I’m still figuring out my hunger signals, I think my body felt satisfied – or at least, I didn’t feel hungry.
Am I pleased I went for afternoon tea, and would I do it again? Hell, yes and yes.
Do I feel confident with my body? Hell no, but they are thoughts. And that shouldn’t dictate my choice to eat.
If you haven’t already, you can donate anything from a fiver to my fundraising page for Eating Disorder charity, Beat, at the following link. I’d love if you could, especially after last night’s mini achievement! Thank you in advance. 🙂