Weetabix x 2. (with semi-skimmed milk)
Tuna and sweetcorn mayo roll (seeded), ‘Kettle crisps’.
Cherry ‘Muller Corner’ yoghurt.
Peanut, apple and almond snack bar.
Cottage pie, mixed veg.
Strawberries in yoghurt.
Supper (will be…)
Cadbury ‘Dairy Milk’ bar.
Well I am currently as cream-crackered as a bit of Philadelphia smothered on an a rice-cake… so this will be a short post for tonight. And a summary of the week just gone…
…so, just like my ‘New Year’s Resolution’ from the 1st of January “never to binge-purge again – ever”… it was naïve of me to think that just because I wanted to raise money during Eating Disorder Awareness Week, my illness was going to disappear because I told it too.
If I let myself, I could easily get so ashamed in the fact that people have donated money, yet I have still struggled – I could get really disappointed in myself… but to me, the little steps I’ve taken this week have been in the right direction and have helped my brain do leaps. I’ve done so much more reflecting on things too, thinking back so far as to why I’ve found evenings such a difficult time of the day, for as long as I can remember. (when the urge usually digs it’s claws in…)
I am infinitely grateful to everyone that donated a few quid to a lots of quids… to ‘BEAT’, which I know will go towards some incredible things to help sufferers and their families fight Eating Disorders all over the country… and to help bring awareness and understanding nearer to the front of people’s minds, all over the world.
My achievements this week include: one night completely binge-purge free! (the best one of all), including foods which have been banned from my everyday diet (such as alternating between chocolate bars and another substantial snack on evenings…), only going to the shop impulsively ONCE during the whole week to binge-purge (when I was in a worse place a couple of months ago, this was almost every night…) AND following the 6 out of 7 evenings when I struggled, I didn’t allow my Eating Disorder to win my mind over by restricting. Yes, I’ve felt shite about my body, but by doing the last thing I often want to do during my ‘hangover morning phase’ – eat substantially through the day and sticking to my meal-plan… I got back on the horse straight away. I’ve kept the promise to myself not to turn back to Anorexia, the part that tries to convince me I will never feel in control of my life unless I listen to it’s demands.
Well, I’m not listening. I’m going to keep fighting until I prove it to myself.