Weetabix x 2. (with semi-skimmed milk)
Sandwich – half tuna mayo and cucumber, half cottage cheese and tomato.
Cherry full-fat yoghurt.
Handful of nuts/honeycomb.
(yet to be found out! At my Dad’s…)
…and that’s why recording my food diary, visually helps my recovery! So if you’re not already, and you’re struggling with your thoughts around food/control, I’d definitely recommend it. Plan your week’s food (structuring in what your goals are around this), and keep a diary through each day. It strengthens your ‘logical’ mind, and helps me personally to see it as a nameless, neutral ‘human’s’ day of food. So if I’m to look at it, as in disconnecting from my personal emotions around things, I can judge it better. And it’s also a little bit empowering, making you feel IN control, when all those foods/behaviours that trigger something in you to kid you into feeling OUT of control.
Anyway, I was tip-tapping at the keyboard, and then realised that on this particular day, an ‘apple’ didn’t look sufficient for my afternoon snack. With the gaps between eating, I could see that hunger invisibly building, and the lack of carbs – and as I’m focused nowadays, on trying to feed myself so that my BRAIN and body can function best (as well as conquering the binge/purging urges to as much as I feel mentally capable), this was an umph to get up and get something more, mid-typing… (as that’s the current time of day I’m writing this)
So enjoyed meself some nuts.
(and what better excuse to eat more food – because we all love it, let’s be honest…)
I feel lucky to be in the position now, after years at feeling ‘at war’ with them, to see carbohydrate-based foods as ‘good people’. They are friends to the brain and the body. If being out of control scares you, then make sure you’re EATING plenty of carbs. (yes, I said EAT them… not to NOT eat them or eat less of them… just don’t go there… even if you’re on a so-called ‘weight-loss’ diet, reducing carbs will not produce long-lasting weight-loss results. It will just cause one or more of the following:
- Gaining weight (when, psychologically, and physiologically your survival instinct will tell you, you NEED more carbs if you are depriving yourself… so will therefore crave them, and you are then more likely to over-eat)
- An Eating Disorder (and perhaps multiple hospital admissions and appointments, that, when you go round-and-round can be so psychologically debilitating – you lose your sense of self and for me, feeling capable to ‘live’ became so much more difficult because I kept being seduced back. I’m forgotten how to ‘feel’ a whole range of emotions, and tolerate them… and it’s something I’m probably finding the hardest ever, after almost 10 years of first developing my Eating Disorder, when there was less psychological grasp)
- Being mardy, and/or not being able to concentrate.
Don’t all of those sound a marvellous life??? 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂
Carbohydrates make up the main chunk of your brain’s energy. I don’t know about you, but the thought of not giving my brain enough of this petrol booster, is enough to make me want to feel in control of my decisions throughout the day… so then, throughout my life. Being depleted of such necessary petrol boosters for the brain, can you really trust that you’re living your life true to YOU? That some choices you made weren’t dictated or influenced by your lack of brain-power or skewed subtly, my your distracted brain-cells?
It’s very strange to type that, speaking from myself, and then to read it back. Because just months ago, I’d feel ashamed to even write that. Anorexia would make me ashamed. Just like the ‘giving up calorie counting’, the ‘even contemplating eating any type of ‘luxury’ food’ (which became a lonnnngggggg, lonnnnnngggggg list by the way, as my Anorexia took more of a hold of me. Because we all know if you give Anoreixia an inch, it will take a mile… and then it will take YOU and your whole world. Until you’re not living like you anymore, and you’ve forgotten who you are, and it’s like being re-born and you’re f*cking terrified.) Sorry, rant not planned there.
Back to today, and thoughts around the added snack for the ol’ brain boost – I had lunch at 11.45am (this is a ‘sin’ and a reason to have a finger chopped off as far as the part of my Eating Disorder I’m trying to silence is concerned)… but I was up early and at a meeting this morining – the meeting finished earlier than planned, and I think my taste-buds were tricked into thinking it was lunch-time. Even though it was only half 10 – but I had a banana and put off lunch as long as I could until it started to feel less offensive to have my sarnies.
Anyway, my point was due to the early lunch, and knowing I may not be having tea until 6ish… it would be quite unfair on my brain if I just fed it an apple, those 6 and a bit hours in-between.
Keep a diary. Plan your goals.
Every time you strengthen YOUR way of thinking, YOUR logic, you’ll weaken the control of the irrational, and controlling part of you that you weren’t born with. I know it can feel like you were, but for me – it feels like a weight off my shoulders, and incredibly hopeful to think that I wasn’t born with such manipulative thoughts around my diet.
I am still struggling on my evenings. Since the start of Eating Disorder Awareness Week, I had managed to change some things – including delaying my ‘psychological urge’, and I had managed to go one full night without turning to my irrationally addiction. I am still trying to suss why evenings are so difficult, emotionally. I got closer to sussing out why, at my therapy appointment this week. So I feel I am getting somewhere.
Tonight, my sister is staying, so I know it won’t be possible. (logically you’d think that but Eating Disorders make you do all sorts of weird and wonderful things – some of which, during inpatient admissions seem so obscure to mention but will talk about in a future post!) Anyway, now I am well excited to have my sister. But then I know when it comes to tolerating those night-time emotions, my head is going to feel central to a game of tug-of-war.
Can I make it 2 nights in 2 weeks cold turkey?
I hope to God I can.