‘Tit-bits’…

Breakfast
Apple.
Bran flakes.

Snack
Banana.

Lunch
Crusty ‘tiger bread’ roll, carrot and coriander soup with added butterbeans, mixed salad with avocado.
Peach-flavoured mousse.

Snack
Melon.
Mixed nuts.

Tea
‘Butternut squash and lentil’ sausages, boiled potatoes, mixed veg.
Melon with lemon yoghurt.

Supper (will be…)
Dark chocolate ‘Bounty’.
How are things? Well, at the moment I feel myself running away from the little ‘tit-bits’ of seduction, that Anorexia throws out like dog treats… particularly, when I start opening myself up so much more to life, that it starts feeling colourful and so much more full of opportunity, the overwhelming “how the fuck do you juggle life whilst knowing you’re doing your best?” and the lingering quilt that seeps through the day like hidden smoke, about neglecting this, that, or the other.

The ‘tit-bits’ I guess are the thoughts that come and go such as ‘come back to what you used to know’, ‘take more notice of the numbers in your life – AKA calories, weight, times to eat, rigid everything’ again and things will feel tidier, less messy. Yes, that might be the case temporarily, but I know as well as all the obvious logical reasons – physical and mental-health-related, the colour also gets washed away, at quite a rapid rate.

The colour and opportunity is what inspires me to keep on, especially with being quite an arty person, and it’s something my quality of life relies on. So as soon as that becomes jeopardised, my mental health takes a nose dive. So, even when I feel like prey to a monster when it comes to thinking about trying to juggle everything life involves, the threat of losing the more colourful life is enough to keep me trying to push on through the dreaded unknown. INSTEAD of turning back to revolving my life around numbers. Even typing this I feel a sense of grief that I won’t let myself go back to that, and a ‘what if’ things can be different and I can keep myself well WHILST counting again. But with my obsessive personality, and perhaps it being too soon, I can’t go back to that after all the hard work I am putting in to eat a varied diet, and shake off my rigidity.

Even when binging and purging is still a struggle on the evenings for me. The more this goes on, the harder the perception around my body image gets, so the force of turning back to numbers becomes more powerful… yet somehow, I still take hope in the unknown.

It was lovely to have my sister stay with me on Friday evening; it was like we were back to feeling like teenagers again. We enjoyed a ‘Kinder Bueno’ for supper together whilst watching the telly, and it was a wind-through-the-hair kind of feeling to be able to do that, without feeling the tension of Eating Disorders in the room. And, of course, I didn’t binge and purge… this doesn’t happen just because I’m with someone, as when I was living in a house full of others, I still struggled with it in full force… there becomes a point where an Eating Disorder strips you of feeling an ounce of self-respect, and you become desperate – it doesn’t matter what you think others around you are thinking of you.

But I was heavily distracted by the urges at the latest point of my struggles. There is a part of the evening that makes me feel trapped, as though, mentally, I won’t be able to breathe, the dark definitely triggering a claustrophobic feeling – but feeling disgusted and ashamed of myself, and the past fears with facing the next day full of social, anxiety when I was back at school/college, it’s all such a mixed recipe of a not-so-delicious kind of cupcake.

The following night though, I unfortunately did, but just on the odd thing in the cupboards, and I realised that ‘bran flakes’/spontaneous portion-sized cereal, were becoming ‘unsafe’ in the day, because of the association I held with them on my evenings. Which was why I really did not want to face bran flakes for my meal-planned breakfast this morning – which meant, actually I really NEEDED to, to win over my Eating Disorder.

Helping to create new, safer memories with certain foods, I feel does feed you more psychological strength to combat an Eating Disorder. Often, subconsciously, there are the foods we avoid, or feel we can’t have… and until we bring them to the surface and decide not to wait until the right time, they will hold power over us and strip us of self-control.

I’m feeling hopeful for tonight… I feel peaceful for making it to this point, and I have a bit of a plan of things to do for this evening. Drawing and some video-editing for one. But I also will try and remember that if I don’t do anything, it’s okay to do nothing on an evening. It’s essential to wind-down, so you are more emotionally available to the things that make up your life during the day-time…

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