Why I Deleted My Last Post (and shouldn’t have)…

“What about freedom of speech?” That’s what a nursing assistant argued for me the other day, backing my corner. (thank you)

So my last blog post, when I was venting my feelings and being as raw as a joint of beef – as usual, so I can help others have an insight into my mental health experiences, therefore empowering others to do the same… a nurse came to tell me that I needed to delete it, because apparently it was inappropriate. (although she herself hadn’t read it)

As well as feeling embarrassed, hearing this made me feel like a bad person.  I then started doubting my honest nature and my own genuine intentions. When this was told to me the morning after, I felt like I’d morphed into Cruella Devil, and maybe I hadn’t realised. Was I a bad apple at heart? How was I not aware that I’d done something offensive?

I probed the nurse about what I’d done wrong – as I wanted to know what specifically I’d written that was inappropriate so that I could avoid that in future. Because there’s not a chance in hell that I’d terminate my helpful venting place just because of one person that felt offended. I even happily put my dignity on the line during that piece of writing, talking about the trapped wind and trumping dilemmas that I’ve faced being on eyesight observations. (yes, hey, I’m a human like you)

Later on the same nurse came over and asked if she could read my blog post so she could see what this person meant by being inappropriate. And as she began reading, she began feeding back that it was a good piece of writing, that she couldn’t see what I’d done wrong because I hadn’t named any names whatsoever, so I wasn’t breaking confidentiality, or even making this service look bad. I am just a real person inside a mental health unit talking about my experiences. And I have lots of good things to say about this service, which I hope comes across in my blog sometimes.

I will continue writing and venting for my own sense of mind, trusting in myself my good intentions. So, let’s put that behind us and continue where we left off.

Thankfully, these 2 weeks of eyesight observations is coming to an end. Hopefully, fingers crossed this is my last full day on them, as I have my review in the morning, and it’ll be 2 weeks then since we planned this extra level of support to help with my binging and purging, which will then directly help with suicidal thoughts. And I’m glad to say it has. (wrote this on  Thursday, but it’s now Friday, so I have now come off them!) I have had 2 or 3 very mini slips during these two weeks, but overall this is miles better than before. Up until 2 weeks ago, I was taking any opportunity to sneak down to the kitchen, hide food up my jumper and sit in the bathroom to binge and purge. Or when on leave by myself I was back to feeling pulled to doing that and nothing else. I felt like a druggy, well and truly. I needed my fix.

Although the compulsions were so strong, along with the obsessive thoughts to feel as though I had to do it, I was also so tired and tormented by those thoughts. I could not see any other way of navigating through the day. But it was also manufacturing one big ball of hate for myself.

Thankfully I’ve been able to go to college this week and last week, still under eyesight observations so a nursing assistant has been coming with me. Last week it was the same person, so that consistency was great and despite the first day feeling a bit on edge and self-conscious, by the end of the week I relaxed and was able to forget the situation and just feel like a ‘normal’ student.

Anyway, on another note altogether… when I’m out of here, I’d like to begin using this blog space to celebrate food more, alongside being open about mental health. Up until 2 years ago, I never thought I’d be able to talk about food in that way as when I suffered with Anorexia, even thinking about nice food made me feel guilty. Dare I even talk about food that I wasn’t ‘allowed’ I’d worry it would make me greedy and lead me to over-eating. It was completely irrational, but I was terrified. And that overruled it all.

In order to celebrate food, I will be including my honest reviews of local independent cafes, and excitingly I have two cafes so far that I will be working with! I will make sure to include beautiful photos to make your taste-buds tingle.

I feel this new little venture will be really positive for me – even now, when to me and you I look ‘healthy’, you’re probably aware I still really struggle. There’s still certain foods I’m hesitant to eat, especially things I can’t calorie-count, or things like having double ‘carbs’ (totally, totally irrational because it all balances out) in the same meal.

All those irrational rules are going to be challenged head-on, in being able to taste beautiful food from local cafes and choosing meals that pop out as the most of what I fancy.

“You can’t start the next chapter if you keep re-reading the last.”

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