Eyesight observations (level 3) means being watched by a staff member at all times (they rotate of course). It’s nothing new to me but it’s new for me to share what it feels like.
Combine babysitting with a really loyal friend not leaving your side, with being stalked and also being constantly assessed as a functional human being. The upmost purpose is of course to keep you safe. From yourself and your negative thoughts. I’d had a few incidences coming on and off the levels but since last week it’s been 24/7. Which is difficult. But deffo not as difficult as it used to be because I’m used to it by now.
I’m sure you’re thinking, well what about when you’re on the toilet doing your business? Or having a shower and washing your bits? Yep, then too. But they don’t have to look directly at you – often people look at a spot near you, so you are still within vision but not so obviously or as exposed. I’m also used to this now, especially since being forcibly undressed when I wasn’t very well a couple of weeks ago.
The hardest bit about being on this level of observation is not any of the above – for me it’s ‘sounds’. Human ‘sounds’ that we always try to keep private. The sound of being on the toilet – unexpected flatulence on top of the usual trickle. Also the visual strain sometimes your face is forced into when straining to go for a number two. I try to keep it casual but what can you do when your muscles are on duty.
They’re always the most awkward moments for me.
I’m down at the moment. Pretty down because I feel huge lack of freedom. As well as the observations, I have nothing in my room apart from when I’m using it like my laptop now of course, and I also have to wear an anti-ligature outfit, which I recently found out it will be for all this weekend. Anti-ligature means you can’t rip it, so are unable to tie any of the material round your neck. Bra-less for me means so much more shame, because I hate my boobs as it is, so to have no support for them really wallops a great chunk off my little-existing confidence.
Anyway, just thought I’d check in and use this time quite wisely.
I’ll create a proper post when I have my liberty back in tact again – or at least some.
Have a great weekend.