Excitable, nervous butterflies enter my stomach every odd hour or two today. My first ward round tomorrow (review) with the doctor! But more importantly, with my home team too. I actually miss them. This experience is still alien to me, however I am adjusting and functioning with the change well. I’m proud of myself for not having an incident for a week now, the massive motivator being the grounds leave (30 mins x2 a day) and having the ‘privileges’ (pfft) of a jumper, different bits of clothes (you’re not allowed to keep them in your bedroom though). I’d be terrified to have my exercise time taken away.
I’ve entered the new week, actually, sadly happy, due to activities that will be on today. They’re ran by the occupational therapists and psychologists (there’s none on weekends). Although if we’re going to throw a moan in there, it would be that I gave my iPad to be charged yesterday evening, and it’s only on 25% today. (they took it but didn’t put it on charge – great move)
My hopes for ward round tomorrow: come off 2:1 obs to 1:1, community leave (so I can gallivant around Tesco – the key landmark round here), PROPER bedding i.e. duvet and comfy pillow – I still currently have a bare mattress with an anti-ligature blanket, no pillow, toilet tissue IN my bathroom (I have to knock on the latch in the kitchen for some every time I need a wee and it’s a pain in the arse) and basically just any kind of new thing that gets me up the ladder to getting out of here. On the other hand, I hope my home team will take me back if they know I’m now pretty stable. But who knows, ey? Either way I’ll get some kind of progression from where I am now.
I’ve just knocked on the latch and enjoyed my Weetabix, when I remembered I didn’t mention that all cutlery, plates, bowls and cups and plastic. I feel like a toddler again. At first it’s proper weird but then you learn to accept it and it becomes the norm. The cups are tiddly so I’ve gone and ordered my own plastic cup that’s a fair bit bigger. Let’s see how I get on there with the rules.
And just as I catch up later in the day, I’m now enjoying my bigger cup (by only like 120ml) courtesy of Pepsi Max. Earlier this morning we had a group on skincare, and actually it was so helpful. I’m going to be stocking up on a stash of natural yoghurt and coffee just for my face when I’m back home. Using a facemask was also a laugh. This is meant to be a cat, not a monster by the way…
On a final note, I came to remember the struggle of transitioning to this place. A new patient came over from isolation, and she has been shouting out of frustration for losing so many freedoms. And how we have to ask for absolutely everything. It feels like you’re handing complete control over to a system. I can empathise.
Unexpectedly I also had a 1:1 session with the main psychologist too. I didn’t know where I would possibly start, or what he would expect me to say. He made clear that it absolutely did not matter what we spoke about. So in a way, it all came blurting out – my struggles, recent triggers, my past therapies and history. I ended up crying when mentioned Kat, my friend who passed away but I’m kind of grateful for expressing my genuine emotion, instead of trying to block it all away.