Sometimes We Need to Break Before We Shine

Phwoar, it’s been a day n’ a half. Of course I’m typing from Grimsby still, over 3 hours away from Baldock where I started this little recovery ramble at the PICU. Well, where are we now… ?

I’m sat at the windowsill of my home acute ward having just had a nice strong coffee (you’re allowed your own on this ward if you fetch one – the rest is decaf.) Golden tick for that, in comparison to the PICU – all decaf and not allowed to use your own coffee. Not forgetting the lukewarm temperature they had to serve in a plastic cup. That is a huuuuuge blessing. As well as being able to prepare my own Weetabix.

I’m not going to lie – since coming to my hometown I’ve had wobbles. The first day I was out properly on Friday for ‘extended leave’ til Monday, I went to the gym and felt great after that. However, my sense of body image is horrendous and to be honest I’m finding that hard to snap out of. It puts me off not wanting to move it because of the intolerable feelings, but then if I do that and just lay in bed all the time or not exercise I’m still going to feel bad about myself, and potentially make that worse. Especially as since I’ve struggled more with Bulimia since back in Grimsby. Anyway, so that evening then met my Dad and Step mum with the little kids to see some fireworks at a Beavers club. The satisfaction of crunching glow sticks until they’re in their glowing prime. The kids loved them, and I even wore some as a necklace to feel part of the experience.

That was a positive day, but it was one where I felt I had to really push through a lot of barriers for it to feel like that. It felt like effort… the main thing was I put the effort in. And I guess there’s going to be a lot of barriers and resistance popping up as I navigate through this mess. It really helped though when my Dad and Step mum picked up from the acute ward for my extended leave, as they suggested we all go to Cleethorpes for a stroll and a coffee. It was a great way to start ‘settling in’ to the real world.

That night was okay but the rest of the weekend I felt lost, freezing cold and demotivated, especially with my body image. So it’s a blur as I stayed in bed most of the time. By the time Monday came and I had my review, I was fairly shocked to be honest at the outcome. The professionals couldn’t come up with a solution, so they are taking my case to the Complex Case team. And in the meanwhile I’ve been back on the ward. Had a few incidences unfortunately, but minor ones apart from last night when I ended up in the ICU (won’t say why for triggering purposes).

But I’m 100% physically fine; mentally, it’s still very much a work in progress.
I have to wear an anti-ligature top still which is a pain in the ar*se. Body image is off the charts.

Just for sake of a bit of cheese: “It’s okay to be a glowstick. Sometimes we need to break before we can shine.”

Take care,

Yaz

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