Life Choices vs. Self-Destruction

When you’ve been eaten by the mental health system for years, your life can go two ways. Either be in and out of psych hospitals (which is an easy trap to fall for) or grab the life you want and work out how to get there, powering through all temptation of regression and self-doubt. I feel torn between the two, especially when triggering things are going on around you. Like the patient that’s been kicking off for days is finally going to a PICU. I feel sad for her as it’s a terrifying feeling, but also fetches back memories of my feelings before, during and after going. Deep down I know it’s a motivator to move forwards, but I also feel like I’ve forgotten how to ‘live’ life without having regular brain messages of self-destruction.

How’s today gone? I did some power-walking this morning up and down the corridor, spent time hating my body, especially as I can’t wear a bra under this anti-ligature top, and mostly spent time in bed. There’s little motivation for me at the moment in terms of how to use time well. But, I did get some positive news…

…I have my final assessment day to join the social worker fast track training programme for mental health. It’s what I applied for a good few months ago, but the final assessment got postponed until the following study year. I’m booked in for December! There will be a group of us and will involve role-play and interviews etc.

However… after the excitement came the fear of how my recent mental health will affect my occupational health assessment, but hopefully that will be next year some time, which gives me time to stabilise. I’m worried my struggles will be held against me but if I really try work with the professionals and manage my life better, there’s still potential, I believe in my heart. It’s difficult to say that, in case I jinx anything, but because becoming a mental health social worker now is my passion, I’m determined more than ever.

Short one for tonight.
Take care,

Yaz

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