Well, well weekend. You know when you were a kid and you would get lost in a supermarket? You’d panic run past each aisle looking for your parent or designated adult… also admiring the sweets you’d love to chuck in the trolley, and the magazines but in too much of a tizz to consider picking them up. You need to find your home base, your mother ship ASAP.
I kind of feel like that. Like really trying to have a ‘normal’ day and stay busy and grounded, but feel like there’s something missing now and again. And it’s lost. And I’m chasing whatever it is without knowing what. Maybe that’s part of the personality disorder, who knows, but that little girl in me is still running around looking for some kind of order to and sense in my life. Something I felt was missing when I was a child? Somewhere I feel slightly at peace, not wishing time away or that it would hurry up. But other times I feel on another planet and cannot imagine living a functional adult life.
But, I’m trying and on track. I had a difficult review on Thursday. What was said was quite ‘tough’ and it was a challenge to find anything negative to come of it. It did gnaw away at me at first; I left my review early because I couldn’t take it, feeling so ashamed. And then it ate me up later some more and I had a few small incidences. I’ve been flitting between the mind of giving up, and staying focused when it’s really hard. Since yesterday the dial is set at the latter. It takes a lot of stubborn courage for me to ask instead of waiting to be told. I grabbed the bullet and asked last minute, if I could get out of the anti-ligature clothes and have my bed and everything else back to normal. I promised her I would prove I could have an incident-free weekend. And so I am.
By the way, it feels years now since I was eating like a toddler with plastic cutlery off a plastic plate, back in Baldock. Well it’s been just over two weeks.