There’s a lot of anxiety around today. For me personally, and probs others too. I’ve woken up early (about half 3) and was doing some studying. (despite taking a sleeping tablet) There’s no hot water – they’re ripping out the kitchen today and putting a new one in. So everything from the cupboards is on the side and the water machine isn’t working because we’ve also got a power cut in some areas of the ward.
The maintenance work today is going to cause a lot of palava, and meal-times will be tricky. I’m sure it will be worth all the effort. The food will be coming from their café who cater for us, and we’ll all sit in the lounge but not knowing what it is, is making me anxious. Jacket spuds were my fave here but they’ll be off the menu I guess, because there’ll be no microwave to warm the beans. As long as I can still have my trusty egg salad, I’ll be (sort of) happy. Let’s see how the cookie crumbles.
I don’t know what’s up with me lately. I’m processing lots of emotions currently, from how I feel with my mental health, body image, down to up -and-coming events/plans towards Christmas. I’m not proud to say it but I took an overdose of medication on Sunday afternoon whilst on the lodge (yes, I sneaked it in and I am very ashamed of this – please, never do). Was taken to resus for that, but didn’t need any treatment besides a saline drip and monitoring my heart. I won’t say any more details about the overdose itself and what on, but the side effects were absolutely unbearable. The worst thing was restless legs, and I don’t even know if that’s the right word for it. But your leg muscles feel teased and twisted and tickled and pulled in different directions. When you sit down it’s ten times worse, so standing was the only release but I just kept getting pushed down by staff to keep the wires on. I also was very confused and also seeing things that weren’t there.
It wasn’t physical pain in my legs as such, it was just a huge discomfort which made me want to cry and I also couldn’t keep still with the wires I was monitored on. Felt like I needed to rip my skin off. I was really confused and had a 0.5 second memory. I kept trying to talk but people didn’t understand me as my words were slurred, so I felt alone with my pain.
This overdose I massively regret. Even if I wanted to, it wasn’t enough to kill myself or hurt myself ‘enough’. ‘Enough’. That’s what it comes down to isn’t it.
I had a fantastic three days celebrating with my family and friend for my birthday, so I know you’re probably wondering why I would do that to myself. Well, there’s the sense of guilt and shame because I don’t deserve all those nice things, and there’s always my sense of body image lingering and the absolute detest for it, and partly terrified that Christmas is coming and I won’t want any photos which is a shame because I want to make memories with my family. This is the main source of all my pain – my weight and the way I look. I know things don’t happen overnight, and I have become overweight since being in hospital, but it’s so intolerable sometimes, the mental pain. And I guess this time I wanted to not feel that for a bit.
Then there’s the dread of the thought of needing to diet and lose weight, whilst you have and have had an eating disorder for years. Honestly, this is what causes me terror. What if I’ll never lose weight and be happy in my own skin?
Once I am discharged I know that naturally I’ll lose a little bit from more exercise than I do here, and I’m less likely to binge and purge (last time I was discharged I didn’t binge and purge until I was here again), and also I’ll be back into a good home routine again. But the constant, everyday thought about food and body image are destroying my hope for life. Fingers crossed it’s easier when I get home and am finally discharged.