I’ve never been so disgusted in all my life. At my body, my face, my everything. I’ve avoided mirrors apart from when washing my face, at which point there’s been a repelling magnet against me looking at anything else of me in the corner of my eye.
I had avoided thinking about it – I’ve been in hospital most of this year now so logically I’m not going to have my dream body, nor anything near average. But now, as I want to feel back in control of this and my emotions around it, I have been consciously taking action; asking others advice who have been in a similar position and how they dealt with weight gain through hospital, and also starting to use my 30-minute ground leave for a little walk.
Ultimately, I’m stuck in a body I detest, but I have to find positive avenues away from this, so I’m not stuck in a state of hatred. Yesterday I spent some time with one of the ladies who works at the Therapeutic Community (where I will be returning after discharge). She’s been keeping me involved and making me feel part of the group, even when I’m not there. We spoke about feeling stuck and how that doesn’t change unless our minds take over it. To get in control of situations she can’t control, she says to herself this mantra:
“We create pain when we don’t accept the current moment as it is.”
It was interesting to hear how this was life-changing for her and has helped set her free from personal difficulties and situations. To re-wire her brain she repeated this until a month later her brain felt completely different about the problem she faced. I really admire that self-discipline. Whilst it may sound wishy-washy to some, it’s actually very real.
Acceptance of moments that are uncomfortable is important so that we can plan how to move forwards to be where we want to be. This is so difficult but so necessary.
As well as 30-minute walks on the grounds unescorted, I’ve been given 4-6 hours per day at the weekend to be with my mum or dad which should be nice. They don’t have to be in the same room, just the same building. I’m a bit unsure in a way if I’m going to properly like it as it may take a bit to adjust to the environment again. It was different when it was my birthday last weekend, as we were mostly out of the house and keeping busy.
Just going to see how it goes!