Out of The Flow of Life

Blank document. Now it’s an unblank document, so now I don’t feel as intimidated by a blank screen. Where do I start? It’s been a long while. I got into the flow of blogging during my Psychiatric Intensive Care Unit stay, due to more going on. Chopping and changing. I’ve been back at the main acute unit in Grimsby for a long time now – about 5 months since I was originally admitted. (before PICU)

Things are going well-ish. My main problem is that I’m so out of the flow of life that I’ve been spending most days in bed. The loss of daily routine is real. My discharge would have come around quicker if it hadn’t been for that. So now my main goal for getting out of here is getting up and feeling motivated for the day. Putting healthy habits in. Even showering is a big deal for me at the moment; it feels a big effort.

All my mind has seen up to now, for ages, is bed as my only plan. There’s something soothing about being wrapped up in a duvet like a sausage roll and hiding from the world’s demands. I’ve lost my identity from being in hospital such a long time. Over the past year I’ve been in here for about 10 ½ months of it, which has made me almost lose complete sight of my life’s goals and the person I would like to be. I know I exist, but in my mildest, most basic form of ‘human’. I find it hard to take care of myself, to make myself feel ‘nice’. And sometimes, I don’t want to feel that anyway.  But I know that’s the lack of motivation.

Deep down, I do want a future and it does occasionally hit home. Especially when I go home (at the moment it’s accompanied leave with my mum/dad and unescorted to walk the dog), I feel the real world tingle inside a little bit. And I do begin to feel like a real person again. Sometimes that’s overwhelming, so I curl up. Other times it gives me hope.

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